Yesterday, a few times in the course of the day, I felt really worried about C. I don’t know why I did. Sometimes that happens to me and it is some other trigger in my own life and sometimes there is something really going on with her. It is hard to know what to do, especially since she has been so dysregulated and I have not really been okay either.
In the evening, I finally sent her a text. I have sent maybe 3 texts in the last week and a half. I know she has her phone with her now, so she reads them, but she doesn’t reply. I haven’t sent texts that really required a reply. One of them was something like, “I was thinking about you and feeling proud of you.” Another one, something like, “I am here.” The third one, “I won’t come to your hostel. It should be your choice.” I might have it mixed up, but it was something like that. Then this one, “I was feeling worried about you today. Are you okay?” I didn’t know if I would get a reply, and I had to sit with that. With having sent it, with being vulnerable, and with not knowing how she might respond internally to that. About an hour later, I checked my phone. I guess I had been busy in the kitchen or something. “Yap.”
So I felt she was okay. It was one word, but that was the tone of being okay. Okay and maybe I little bit happy to be checked on and cared about. I got the answer around the time I was heading to bed, and it got to me in a way that made it hard for me to sleep for a little while. I am not sure how to say how I felt. It seemed impossible that she was okay, that someone might be okay, and maybe I had a sense of her preciousness to me. It was hard to be with the happiness.
I thought I would write about it for a while, and get settled, but it is not working out that well. Someone has left there phone in the staffroom, but not left it on silent, and it is tweeting at me every few minutes and I am running out of time.
There is a dance show in the evening that the high school is putting on. I suppose C might be performing. She normally would be. I will go and see if she is there.