I still have a lot of work left to do that is all due this morning, and here I am writing a post. The jury is out on whether this will help me get settled, so that I can concentrate, or if I am just reaching and reaching.

I have an idea of what is happening when I feel very ashamed: my adult self believes it, and abandons me. I am left with just feelings and no one to take charge or do anything. I began to think about what do I do when C feels very ashamed. Well, I am there, and I love her. I need to do something like that for me. Because what happens is my adult self leaves, or it shuts down the feelings so that I can cope. It’s like there is no one inside to be with me through this. There is no one inside who continues to care about me. Either I don’t care, or I disappear.

I begin to have a sense of what I have gone through, that this is me, not the tiny child it is easier to be compassionate towards, but me. And I have really been that badly hurt. I think that’s the hard part. It’s so hard to believe. It’s hard to believe I have been so badly hurt, and hard to believe I can survive that hurt. It’s hard to believe I can be anything other than this wounded, damaged individual who has nothing left over to give, and yet I am trying to give. I am trying so hard.

At the moment, it seems I am failing at it.

That’s the other thing. Integration is not fun. Integration means you get to see all of your mistakes and how your pain has affected your life in negative ways and is still affecting it. Integrations means I no longer know how to shut down my emotions so that I can get my work done, or if I do I can feel that it’s causing me a lot of distress to do that. Integration means I have to face my failures, and I have to feel shame about them, and I have to know it’s because my parents did not love me or care about me or want me and I have to feel grief about that. Integration means I get to see all of the broken bits, all of the pain, and that life still has to continue. I still need to present how I am assessing my students to the Department Head and I need to do that while feeling I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve my dreams. It’s not reality, but as an integrated person, I get all of my feelings, so I get to feel unworthy and unloved and unwanted.

The thing is there needs to be someone inside listening to this. I cannot simply disappear into the overwhelming feelings. There needs to be a witness, a listener, or feeling the feelings again and again doesn’t help. Just like I would sit with C while she felt the depth of her shame, I need to sit with myself. I don’t really know how to do that yet. That’s the problem.

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