Suicidality seems to be going around, at least on Facebook. Friday evening, the games coordinator posts something about it and also something about crying alone at night. I comment about how lonely the night-time crying is, but I don’t know what to say about wanting to die, so I don’t say anything. The next day, I just send a message over chat, “How are you today?” She doesn’t respond until much later, although she sees it. “Kk.”
Then one of C’s friend says much the same thing in better grammar today, and I have this enormous worried sense. I comment on holding tight to the people who love her. The feeling will pass. Then I message her on chat, but she doesn’t answer or look at it.
I start to realize that this is different. These people are struggling, and I care, especially about C’s friend, because she is just a child. But I do my tiny little bit and feel okay about it. If it were C, I would be there. Exactly now. Wherever she was, I would find out and I would go there. Immediately. Whether she wanted me to or not, whether I had other work to do or not. Regardless. I would go exactly now and be with her and make absolutely sure, myself, with my own eyes that she could not hurt herself. That’s the difference. That’s the difference between someone being your own and not being yours.
Someone who has had many caretakers is different from someone with one or a few caretakers, because they bond indiscriminately. The kid with an attachment disorder runs up to strangers in the park without the normal fear or shyness they might have, because they do not have any sense, “I belong to these people and they keep me safe, but I do not belong to these other people and they might not keep me safe.”
I am sure there is a lot more to it than that, and a lot more going on with my feelings and with C’s feelings, but I think this is the part I am having a hard time with. It makes me feel vulnerable, because I am unique in all the world to her, and it makes me feel worried, because she is unique in all the world to me.
It’s the soap. Yup, still unique. Still floats. Its normal, but I didn’t know about it before.