A quick note here, before I am off to bed (not having finished the work for my performance appraisal that was due today….)

I was cycling all day. I was okay for a few hours, and then cycling. Cycling between feeling afraid in my body and feeling numb, with this unpleasant in-between state where I wasn’t in my body, but could feel the fear and had vivid pictures of self-directed violence in my head.

I think the trigger is being seen, even by myself. I can be in my body and not have an awareness of myself as an observer of myself, and I can be an observer of myself without being in my body, but I cannot do both. And it seems that some kind of social function—Cooley’s “looking glass” self is coming online again and I am starting to see myself, but it’s scary.

I think because my experience of having been seen as a child, myself as I imagined my family saw me, was assaultive. It was hateful, contemptuous and shaming. So the person I imagine other people see me as, and that I hold in my head as my self-image, is someone so wretched she deserves to be physically destroyed. I am coming out of myself more and connecting with other people more also connecting to myself more and it’s reminding me of that. “Oh, that’s me. Me needs to be destroyed. Me is terrible.” And I have gotten through life by largely suppressing my awareness of that “it’s me” feeling.

I don’t really know what to do about it, but maybe it suggests a direction, because these days, I’ve kind of got nothing. I don’t know how to soothe myself. Nothing really seems to work. Not beyond a few hours.

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