I think the trigger these days—aside from feeling my body because it is sick—is separation. If I cannot do this part of my appraisal (and this is the beginning of the cycle—it is like goal-setting), I will be forcibly separated from C. I am enacting those feelings I had during forced separations.

Specifically, it seems to me I am having the same feeling as I did when being trafficked, which something like a temporary kidnapping. Feel very afraid, then silence the fear with shame and worthlessness. Shame creates, for me, a stillness, a paralysis. In a trafficking situation, it meant I did not resist or defend myself or cry. I went with them, even though that felt like the most dangerous thing in the world to be doing. Not going was more dangerous. And then I was raped.

That’s what I am feeling inside. Fear, and then stillness, and then the disorganized state of being raped.

I’ve never really processed or understood my feelings before, and they are filtered through this lens of experiences I hadn’t accepted occurred before a year or two ago, so this all new to me.