I have lost all my optimism. I feel like I am in a gray haze. Life feels too difficult to do and not especially worth the effort. I keep thinking I am not worth anything. This seems to be a way to play dead, and I feel calmer thinking I am worthless than when I start to lose the sense that it is true.

I seem to be reliving something, some moment when it was terribly important to stay calm and not to move, and when thinking my experience didn’t matter and was absolutely of no importance helped me be still.

It seems to be the box, or performance on something where the box was a consequence. Don’t move, or I will get the box. That seems to resonate somehow. I need to be still or I will get the box. I need to not move, not be afraid, not flinch.

When I feel things, I feel complete, shaking terror.