I wrote the last post and sat with the feelings for a few minutes and I began to feel better. I felt settled and calm.
For about 10 minutes.
Then I went into mental hysteria again. Thinking about self-harming, suicide, things like that. I felt worthless and hopeless, that no one can never truly care about me. No one has. No one will. I knew those thoughts were winding me up more and I just let them wander. I swept the house and I cooked and I let the wander.
Abruptly, I thought, “That’s abandonment. I feel abandoned.” This desperate, hopeless that culminates in shame and worthlessness and hopeless is abandonment. I am probably feeling it now, because this time was when I used to interact with C. She is not interacting with me now, because she is in the place I told her to go. She is at the high school. She is not dead or disappeared, but I am thinking about her, because I used to cook breakfast and chat with her while she cooked breakfast. And then I rushed to school early in case she was actually going to come for tuitions, although she stopped coming after 3 weeks and did not return to them. It became too close, I realize now, and she felt afraid. I don’t think she had any idea why she felt afraid. She just thought of it as shyness and it manifested itself as an unsettled feeling in the body and an impulse to somehow flee. I would find her anyway, greet her, check in on her—did you finish your homework? Did you study for your tests? And then after a few seconds or minutes, I went away again.
But at this time, while I was preparing for school, we chatted, and this was probably the most personal and intimate time we had together all day. It was far enough away, because it was not face to face, that I think C felt a little more open and safe. She isn’t here and she isn’t chatting with me, and I miss her. I notice her absence and I am experiencing abandonment.
It’s not the first time, or with the first person this has happened, but I continued to live, and there have been more opportunities to bond and build relationships and more people I feel close to who could not be with me. So more time to develop triggers for abandonment.