Yesterday, we went down to the Holy Site and it was fairly torturous for me, but nothing dramatic happened. I just struggled.

I did not say anything to C. I saw her from a distance. I am sure she must have seen me, probably a long time before I saw her. There was nothing natural about calling her, and it seemed okay to let things be as they were. I did not have the sense that a meeting would be expected and that not demanding one would have any particular meaning for her. I did not say anything to her.

Her being there but mostly not within view was difficult and painful and torturous.

It did not seem to me that she was okay, just from her body language. It was Teenage Brat, I think, which means she is cycling through modes and not yet regulated.

The thing that was hard was the boy immediately next to me with the high pitched whistle blowing it periodically for about 2 hours almost into my ear. And the other 3 kids in various locations blowing theirs. Kids love noise, it seems, and I don’t really get Country X parenting, which seems to involve complaining that kids misbehave and doing nothing in particular about it. Or sending mixed messages: laughing, but stop that. Like that’s gonna work…

I did have a few rushes of insight. One of them was that the reason the whistles freak me out is the high-pitched noise of a saw starting up is sort of at the same frequency. The second is that it worries me when C is “lost” because I was not safe if I got lost. A major part of my perception of safety was that someone knew at all times who I was with and where I was. If no one knew, I did not feel safe. This might have been drilled into me, or it might have been intuitive. But it was like going to a different location than agreed upon or with a different party than originally met was a very significant indication that something was not okay. Not that anything was okay, but it moved it from a sleazy and unconscionably amoral business transaction to possible significant bodily harm. Like maybe this isn’t going to be a blow job. Maybe this is going to be a gang rape. Maybe this I going to be physical assault. So that’s why not knowing where C is at all times scares me. Good information.

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