So we are having a blessing today, and the school is following a special schedule so that all of the teachers and students can attend. The high school is having half-days to do this: they went yesterday and will go again today.
I will see C. Or not.
What I mean is we will be in the same place, and I will have to decide what to do with that implied contact. I have the thought that I cannot control how she interprets it. It depends on the mode she happens to be in that particular moment what she understands about it, but she will most likely feel something knowing I am there, and it will frighten her. I am not happy about this, actually. It is too many contacts and too much dysregulation for her.
One thought I have had is that the advice other people give me about how to approach is usually all wrong. I do need to get insight into the culture, but 90% of her response is not culture. I have to know what the culture is so that I can see what is culture and what is her, but 90% of her responses to me are about disorganized attachment.
For example, C is not shy to meet me. When she feels like meeting me, she does. Indirectly, through a 3rd party, but she does it. She is, instead, terrified. She feels warmth for me and she feels terrified.
It is also not appropriate for me to order her around, although that is also the culture. They are children. They do what we tell them. It doesn’t work that way for C. It terrifies her. IT Ma’am says just tell her tonight you are coming to my house. If you ask her, she has to say no. That is not the case. If she wants to come, she comes, but being forced to come terrifies her. She needs choices. She has probably become close to me because I am the only person who does give her choices. Last week, I got worried about her, and I began to take all of her choices away. She had meltdowns. She needs choices. She needs to be reminded I am there, and this has probably worked out well in our relationship in the past, because I was at school. I mostly watched her from a distance, or I sat with her briefly without interacting very much. I sat with her for 5 minutes while she wrote homework. I talked to her friends while she stood there. I even sat in her house without talking to her while she did her work. She was able to choose the degree of closeness. I was there, but did not intrude. It is much harder now because we are not naturally in close proximity: there is no way to be there but also not there.
And I cannot do that at the blessing, because a lot of people will be there, and I won’t naturally see her unless I look for her, but she will know I am there and she will wonder if I want to see her. She will be thinking about me and I will be thinking about her, and whatever I do will add up to contact. It can be a rejecting contact or an intrusive contact. It has been too many contacts this week. She has had no time to regulate properly, but I don’t get to choose this. I can only choose how to have that contact.
I have prepared a note that says she can choose when to meet me. I don’t know that I will give it to her. But it is there.