This is what is going on in my head right now. I miss my mom. My actual mom. It’s a terrible feeling. I don’t, of course, really miss her. She is the second-to-last person on earth I want to see. Preceded only by my dad. But I certainly remember that reach. I remember wanting her with every fibre of my little being.

And I remember her not being there. I remember the profound and intense feeling of absolute abandonment—just no one there to take care of me. At all.

After I have that feeling of reaching and then abandonment. I remember feeling worthless. And that’s interesting, because I start to think what that worthlessness does to me. What impulse goes with that? I shut up. I’m quiet inside. There is the reach, which is loud and active, and there is the worthlessness, which makes me quiet down and stop reaching. So that would have been really important. She’s not available. She’s not going to help me, and if I keep asking her she’ll probably knock me upside the head.

Finally, I get to feeling suicidal. I feel worthless, this shuts me up, and then I swing into a frantic attempt to find some way to kill the feelings inside: this is something I noticed in the night. If I began to think suicidal thoughts, what happened inside is that I stopped feeling. I had pictures of self-harming in my head, but what I was actually doing was shutting myself down invisibly, inside rather than outside.

So that has, evidently, been the cycle in my life at least some of the time. Consider reaching, maybe actually reach, but very often simply feel the urge to reach, register non-availability (because maybe I never reached in the first place), feel shame, try to kill the sensations inside me.

I don’t know what to do about it, but that’s the piece I have left to work on at the moment. Regulate my relationship strategies instead of running through a lot of modes that no longer work.