Rage

I’m scared. I am also really mad. I do not like having this connection to C. I do not like it at all.

I woke up in the night around 11 and I was thinking about the wildly inappropriate way she spoke to me, and I was imagining the scolding I might give her and I felt anger all through the core of my body, just absolute, burning rage. And I did not like it. I did not like that feeling at all. I began to think I am connected to her. I am remembering something that happened to her and something that could happen in the future and I am doing that because we are connected and she is a continuous object in my mind, and I did not like it. I did not like it at all. Then I was angry at her for that.

I was angry at her for making me aware of that connection, and I was also terrified. It was hard to figure out why. I did notice that I did not have to struggle or concentrate to get the full intensity of my feelings in my body. I did not have to fight the urge to shut all of my feelings down. I had to fight to shut it down. And that has never happened before. I have never just had feelings. I have always had to try to have feelings. She is doing something to me, and I did not like it.

I was terrified, but I was terrified because I felt safe. I have to be feeling safe for that to happen, for me to be able to completely feel all of the emotions in my body. I don’t know how that happened, because she is behaving badly and I am out of my mind with worry, but somehow the fact of the connection is making me feel safe. Just being connected to anyone, even this dysregulated, dysfunctional child who is currently angry at me. Even that makes me feel safe.

But it makes me feel unsafe. It seems to be that then anything could happen to her and I would care. I don’t want to care so much. It makes me aware of all of the vulnerability of her body and also all the vulnerability of my body. I think I have to face our shared fragility and our mortality, and I don’t want to. I will deal with all of my other trauma, but I don’t want to deal with that. I don’t want to deal with my gut-level understanding that bodies can break. It is not an abstract concept to me. I know exactly what it is like, and I don’t want to remember that. I don’t want to feel all of my feelings about it.

C is somehow making me get in touch with all of this, and I don’t want to be in touch with this. I hate her.

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2 thoughts on “Rage

  1. Rachel March 21, 2016 / 9:53 am

    This resonates a lot for me – sometimes I hate my therapist for bringing so much fear and emotion up in me. I don’t really hate her, I hate what is happening inside of me. And I really hate the people who caused it in the first place. I’m glad you’re letting yourself feel the rage and hate. That is healthy and necessary.
    And this “somehow the fact of the connection is making me feel safe. Just being connected to anyone, even this dysregulated, dysfunctional child who is currently angry at me. Even that makes me feel safe” is so insightful. I am glad you have that angry child to feel connected to. Connection is necessary, even if we never were taught that.

    • Ashana M March 21, 2016 / 11:10 am

      I suspect C hates me too, for precisely the same reason, but with less insight.

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