(I wrote this yesterday. It’s not really finished and life has moved on since then.)
These days, I feel worse more often than I feel better. The shame is just really hard to deal with. Sometimes it seems like I must be failing at this. Nothing is getting better. Then I started thinking that I am feeling more shame because I am able to manage it a little better and that means I am dealing with material that sparks feelings of shame in me, and that’s good. It’s good that I can do it.
The goal isn’t really to stop having negative feelings—although this particular feeling sucks—but to have the full range of feelings that everyone has and to be able to cope with having with them instead of needing to shut them down in order to function.
If I am right about that, then I am doing great, because I got dressed, washed my hair, ate breakfast, and got myself to school on time. I even swept the house, all the while feeling really shitty.
One idea I had this morning was that feeling ashamed just makes me feel doomed, as though all of my endeavors are cursed. It is not even that human beings might not care about me or find any joy in me, but fate or God or whatever feels that way, and will step in and make sure everything I would like to do fails. Periodically, I shut down those feelings of doom entirely and feel maybe unrealistically optimistic about things that are really difficult and might indeed fail. It’s hard to find middle ground because the feelings are so intense. They are either overwhelming or off, instead of pricks of worry, which might be how someone else with a less traumatic childhood might feel.
I am still processing my last visit with C, and it feels intense today because we have a holiday tomorrow and I know I need to see her on holidays. They don’t have a great deal of meaning for me, but they do for her. We have a lot of holidays in the spring, so it seems like it ought to be no big deal, but it is. Not seeing her on a holiday is like not seeing her on Christmas. I hadn’t fully realized that before and suddenly now I get it.
At assembly, I was really feeling that sense of longing for her, and I abruptly understood it. It’s a holiday tomorrow, and I want to see her. That’s what this feeling is. Actually, I want to go and collect her and make her stay the night in my house. It is our last holiday for a month and probably a trip out of the hostel could be arranged. The hard part is that maybe I am too triggered. I have learned if I am in a state, then that is a really bad thing. I must get it together to take care of her, but if I cannot get it together, then it is a much bigger disaster to see her than it is to not see her.
Anyway, that is how I feel today. I want to see her. But it’s so intense that I can’t think straight.
I said I was still processing our last visit. What I am processing is her telling her friends that she will go with me to the United States after two years. She said this in her “lying” voice, actually, which is really a defensive and frightened voice trying to be brave. It isn’t exactly that what she is saying is untrue. I guess I am thinking of what this means, because she cannot directly tell me.