It promises to be another packed weekend. First, there is a “marathon.” No one has evidently informed Country Xers that a marathon is precisely 42.195 km and 8 km is just a long-distance race, and the word they are probably looking for in this situation is “cross-country.” Anyway, it means we need to get to school at 6:45 am. Then, there is a parent-teacher meeting, which will be an entirely passive affair for me. I will get to cope with boredom and frustration for a few hours, and flashbacks of things that happened at church. It will be entirely in the National Language or the Regional Language and my attention will become exhausted after 30 minutes and I won’t be able to understand even what I might be capable of understanding.

Then in the evening we are going to give some important official some stuff. It’s like a welcome party.

I was thinking a lot of things the last few days, and I wanted to share them, but I am kind of running out of time. One of them is just that I had many caretakers, so when I try to make sense of my attachment feelings, I am trying to make sense of many different relationships from the past at the same time, and not just one or two. I think it is complicated enough when your childhood attachments were to one or two dysfunctional people, but I have to make sense of 5 or 6. It’s just different.

The other thing I was thinking is that sometimes my attachment figures were in real danger. Sometimes they were dead. This ought to be obvious, but it’s hard to expand my head space for that. When I couldn’t find my attachment figures, sometimes it was because they were dead. It seems I have been trying to tell myself this for a long time and was unable to quite believe it.

I couldn’t find Aliya and maybe she was dead. In her case, I know she was not dead. It’s possible she is dead now—she’s old—but she was not dead then. She did not abruptly disappear. She moved. I think in fact she moved to Downey (in Los Angeles). At any rate, she told me where she was going and it was somewhere in Los Angeles or Orange Counties. She did not die. She was okay.

But this is the thing about my attachment to C now. It is very scary when I cannot find her and I do not know for sure that she is okay, because at some point death was a real possibility, and I keep reliving that with her.

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