Today is a packed kind of day. We went to the Holy Site at lunch time to give them money and get a blessing from the head monk who is saying the prayer there at lunch. So I spent the morning teaching, my lunch and the hour after lunch worrying about whether I was holding the white scarf correctly (no), bowing correctly (no), and things of that nature. It’s fairly nerve-wracking for me.
Then I taught class for another 2 hours. There was football game afterwards (C’s friends—I feel guilty leaving at half-time, because I would never leave her game at half-time unless I were about to drop dead of exhaustion). I got to sit next to the principal. Yippee.
Then a teacher who gave birth to a premature baby last month (the baby died within minutes after birth) is back in town. We are going to give her money. I presume this counterbalances the cost of dinner and beer she will give us.
I was already overwhelmed in the morning.
I started thinking about the future yesterday. Like, the longterm future. How will I retire? How long can I stay in Country X? How will I take care of C? It terrified me. Still does. I have an idea the future never seemed so real before, so it didn’t scare me, even when I thought over similar dilemmas. (I don’t have enough retirement savings. I have a college loan. Now I have responsibilities on top of that.)
I didn’t sleep well because I got unnecessarily scared over a Facebook post of C’s that was really nothing much. I knew it was nothing much, but it made me think for a minute, “I don’t know where she is.” Then I couldn’t seem to pull out of the terror, even though I knew all was actually well. I didn’t sleep until 10. Then I woke up at 4 am. I need a lot of sleep in the best of times.
So it wasn’t a great day. It wasn’t the worst day, but it wasn’t a great day. And it isn’t over yet.