I was going to go visit C today.

It wasn’t quite the original plan. I had thought I would make a practice of meeting her on Sundays, because Saturdays are usually exhausting just because they come at the end of the teaching week.

But last week, when I saw her at the Holy Site, and I asked if I should meet her in the afternoon as originally discussed, she come “Come next Saturday.” I don’t know why I didn’t clarify with her, but it crossed my mind that she might not have meant to say Saturday. She might have really meant to say Sunday.

And I thought I might not come Saturday anyway, for both reasons: she might have misspoken and I would probably be really tired.

Today, though, I had a very pleasant teaching day. Friday was really hard, but Saturday went well and I seemed to be in a good place emotionally and I wasn’t tired.

I came home and had lunch. I finished up and began thinking of going out. The idea was to buy her some kind of snack. I had a particular food in mind and I thought, “What if they don’t have that one? What should I get instead?” It seemed to start off some kind of internal meltdown about what to buy. I felt terrified.

What’s up?

So I began to think about what might be really going on. It’s a kind of present? Rejection? Yeah, maybe.

Then it popped into my head that I expected to go up to the high school and find her dead. It’s not a realistic thought. I am not seriously worried about that. It seems extremely unlikely. However, yeah, that’s the real fear. I am not worried about snack foods or whether she will like them. I am worried she will be dead.

Because, you know, that has happened before. Twice. I went looking for someone. They turned out to be dead. Ksymcia was hanging from a rope and Nadia was lying in a pool of blood. Nadia’s death is a recent memory. It came up sometime this week. I don’t have any specifics about what happened. Just, pool of blood. Well, throat cut. That’s specific, I guess.

The dilemma with C is that if she is expecting me, then she’s going to feel rejected when I don’t come. I don’t want her to feel rejected. Trust has been hard enough to build anyway. Nonetheless, I think she doesn’t remember telling me when to come. She seemed to have no memory of the plan last week. It also crossed my mind that I think the boarding students have a lot of work to do on Saturdays. C will need to wash her school uniform, which I don’t suppose takes long, but there is probably other work. Sundays is traditionally a children’s holiday here. School activities are rarely scheduled for Sundays, but Saturdays are sometimes fair game. I have no idea of the schedule at the higher school for boarding students, but I would not be surprised if Saturday is the day for gardening or room cleaning or building fences.

I don’t know, but I just have this strong feeling about it. She’s going to be busy on Saturdays. Our students have classes for 2 hours, then cleaning and gardening for an hour or two before they leave around lunchtime. Boarding students might very well have classes for a few hours, like us, and then work for most of the rest of the day. They haven’t had a set routine for the last few weeks, because they have been coming down to the Holy Site for special days, including last Sunday.

It’s better to come tomorrow. I might be able to put aside being scared to find her dead for now and go up there anyway, but I think there’s little point. Better to try to work through my stuff now, go up tomorrow, and see what happens then.

Except I just realized Sunday they are giving a special blessing (maybe, sounds like it) so probably the boarders will come down. And that’s why she said come Saturday….

I need to know where she is now….Damn.