Attachments are hard. I don’t know why they are hard, but they are really, really hard.

There was a point in the winter when everything became drudgery. I am not sure when this happened. I think it happened gradually. There was no longer any joy, even in the good things. Lucky comes to my house every day and I teach him. If you watch me, it would seem that I enjoy this. I think I probably do enjoy it. But the enjoyment I actually feel inside is terribly, terribly faint. He comes and I give the appearance of enjoying it and mostly I don’t feel anything at all.

After school let out, I went to C’s house every day. Every morning. Every afternoon. I was there quite a lot of the time. I did not enjoy this. There was some point when the enjoyment seems to have dried up. I don’t know why, or when it happened. I noticed a change in her. I don’t think I noticed the change in me. It was as though all the life went out of her. She became quiet—maybe because I was there. I don’t know. I noticed it and could not explain it. Occasionally, there was something of a quiet happiness. I played with her siblings, and she seemed happy to watch. But the boisterous C who laughs loudly and pushes her friends to get a rise out them entirely disappeared. I don’t think I realized I was with her and hardly able to feel anything. I didn’t realize the life had gone out of me.

Anyway, I have noticed the feeling I have for her, that wish to be with her, what comes on the heels of it is always fear. I miss her and then I feel afraid. The reason it all seems so intense to me is the fear. I cannot make sense of it. I don’t know what I am afraid of—I search around in traumas for things I might be afraid of, and there are many. I think I might really be afraid to be myself, to be someone with roots of some kind in the present and in the real world, but I don’t know why—if I am afraid someone will hurt me, or if it’s just the last thing I remember before I went behind glass. Maybe I remember wanting someone and being afraid and then it all becoming too much.


2 thoughts on “Afraid

  1. desilef February 2, 2016 / 9:57 pm

    Even without trauma, falling in love can be an experience of terror. So much risk.

    • Ashana M February 3, 2016 / 10:26 am

      i think it is scary because i am not supposed to be that person. i don’t know why though.

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