The thing about attachment feelings that is perhaps so difficult for me is that I was not supposed to have them.
I mean, the people I was attached to were not supposed to exist for me outside of the context in which I knew them. I was not allowed to go back to my own house and miss Nata or Nadia or Ksymcia or Aisha, and not just because they were better caretakers than my own mother and it was one of them I wanted at bedtime and not my own blood, but because no one was supposed to know how I knew them.
I don’t know why I hadn’t quite connected this before, because it was kind of brewing. A few nights ago, sitting with those feelings of attachment for C, I had that sense: this is difficult for me, because it is forbidden. But I took it only in the sense that no one is supposed to be attached to anyone.
No, not exactly. But my attachment figures were all people that, in the “overt” world (you might say), I was not supposed to know. I had a disrupted attachment to my own parents and a forbidden attachment to other caretakers.
Oh, yes, that’s why this is hard.