So the weird thing about the particular spot I’m in is that I am not really sure who I will be in the future. I am in process. At the same time, I also have this strong internal drive towards planning. It could just be an innate character trait. Maybe I like to plan. It’s possible. It’s possible I might start to see many things about my personality emerge in the near and not-so-near future. Or maybe it’s something about the particular things I think I might lie to do. They seem to involve planning to me. Certain life events don’t happen by accident.

You don’t, for instance, end up in Country X by accident. That took planning. You don’t stay there on a long-term basis by accident either. It’s fairly difficult. And it takes a long time.

Also, I am 42. Retirement is not beyond the range of my ability to grasp of the future.

I ponder this and come up against that sense that I am completely insane. It doesn’t help that much that I can’t still really cope with my feelings for C. I think of her and there is such a rush of something or other inside me—longing? I am not sure—and I don’t know what it is. I usually end up shutting it down before anything gets sorted out. I can’t stand it for long enough to work through whatever it is or to accept it as being my own feeling.

So then I don’t know what to make of it.

But it seems like what I really need to do at the moment is keep doors open. I need to know enough that I can think how to make the things I might want possible inn case it turns out I do want them. And also I should know enough that I am not throwing my all into doing something that simply cannot happen.

That makes sense, doesn’t it?

It does, I think. It gives me this little inkling of who I might be. A planner. Deliberate. Purposeful….

Oh, but then C came running across the old assembly ground with her math paper to show me and I fell I love.

Not quite.

And I have no idea again. At all.

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