The lightest rock

I still don’t have it in me to write.

In the morning, I tell C to pick up stones. She is not in the mood. There are a lot of reasons for this, but she has been crying for most of an hour. This is probably because of me. She probably feels worthless and that she does not deserve anything. That is her body language perhaps.

I tell her that the different weights of rocks are like love. Some people love stronger than others. Some people love you if it’s not too difficult. I drop the lightest rock. And if it’s too difficult…

I ask her who loves her like the lightest rock. She doesn’t know. I say maybe people who don’t really know you.

How do people love you? The third rock. (She can lift this one but it’s not terribly easy.)

How much do I love you?

She doesn’t know.

I love you like you are trying to pick up the house. It’s impossible, but I will make it possible.

Later, I realize my own mom loves me like the lightest rock. If it is easy, she loves me. But a hangnail might take priority over me.

And that’s why my dad raped me. Because she just really did not care enough to stop him. I have felt sorry for her before. I have felt understand. C makes me unable to understand her position. I was her child and I was helpless and she did nothing. She watched it. She participated in it. And she did nothing. She did nothing because she was afraid of my dad or he made her special or she felt she could not live without him or I don’t know what. But I would eat my own hand before I let my dad do anything to C that eve resembled what he did to me.

I cannot imagine my mother’s position. I cannot.

This realization does not come on its own though. I mean, it brings with it a childhood full of a sense of irrelevance, of greyness, like I just could not get her attention. A coloured hanky was brighter and more attractive than me.

And it fills me with a sense of loss I didn’t realize I needed to feel, because really it means there is, in a way, something to mourn. It is not an absence. There is a person inside there and that person has almost no capacity for connection to me. I do have a mother. It’s not that there was never anyone there. I have a mother who doesn’t care, who has almost no capacity to care, and whatever her own problems is selfish very nearly to the core.

That’s who she is.

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6 thoughts on “The lightest rock

  1. thefamilyof5 December 20, 2015 / 3:53 pm

    I recently had a similar conversation with myself, and big girl.
    Big girl asked my ‘why’ her birth parents didn’t take better care of her.
    I couldn’t answer. I had to explain to her that her and her sisters needs will always be my first priority, they will always come first no matter what, and because of that I’m unable to understand how her birth mom/dad were able to put their own needs above those of their children’s.
    I can’t understand those choices because they are not the kind of choices my own brain would even consider.

    You are a beautiful person Ashana, C is blessed to have your love in her life.

    • Ashana M December 20, 2015 / 4:13 pm

      Do you feel that the contrast between your love and her birth parents’ love creates a lot of pain and confusion for Big Girl? I keep coming up with this feeling–not really supported by anything, but this inner sense–that I am bringing so much pain into C’s life because she has to confront a vague kind of neglect (hopefully nothing like my parents’) that she would like not to face.

      • thefamilyof5 December 20, 2015 / 4:21 pm

        Yes. Big girl needs this clarification though i feel. She needs to know ‘the truth’ in an age appropriate way about the choices her birth parents made being a reflection on them and not her. She feels ‘bad’, ‘responsible’ for the choices they made. Its important for her to see that it was all them and not her. Since she became more able to have these discussions with me she’s been able to direct her angry feelings towards them, rather than herself.
        I dont know if im doing the right thing but im confident that feeling a loathing towards them, rather than her self has got to be better. It has also helped build on our relationship, she’s seeing the differences in our parenting and she see’s the ‘good’ choices i make for her now with a much better understanding i feel. She has a long way to go, she is still very young, but we’re getting there i feel.

      • Ashana M December 20, 2015 / 4:23 pm

        You probably are going in the right direction. She’s processing it, in any case. I feel like with C, it gets opened, but there’s no way to process it for her and I don’t really know how to make that better.

      • thefamilyof5 December 20, 2015 / 4:34 pm

        I guess for c she will just develop the realisation of different kinds of ‘love’ and the feelings she associates with those herself. Maybe some work on being ‘mindful’ might benefit her x

      • Ashana M December 20, 2015 / 8:33 pm

        Yes, that might be a good place to start.

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