I made pancakes today. It turns out this is highly triggering.
Also, I used to chat with C when I was cooking in the mornings. Now, her mom has hidden her phone somewhere so that C will concentrate on studying—exams start on Saturday. Cooking makes me think of C. It makes me think of the girls, because I used to cook with them, and it makes me think of C.
I miss C. I miss her really a lot. It’s like knives.
I’ve started to realize that life is kind of like that for me. There is present-day life, which might conceivably be at a low boil if it were just that. I mean, it’s normal to miss someone you are used to being with at a particular time, in a particular way. But then there is always the addition of the past, which is basically on fire. So I miss C. That’s real. But I miss her at an intensity that is because of trauma.
It’s because someone not being there at the usual time in the expected way is a massive indication of danger. Then stuff gets activated.
These days, everything seems to get triggered. The traumas are not neatly divided. If something gets activated, almost everything does. I suppose I am one person. My life is connected to itself. My thoughts are connected to one another. I am no longer in tidy boxes.
I start feeling massively suicidal. I am making pancakes, and I want to kill myself or at least draw some blood. Something. I feel guilty, I finally realize. Well, that makes sense. I missed people whose deaths I felt responsible for.
One thought I have had recently, though, is that I understand Nata’s death better now. I know because of C. If something happened to her, I would try to save her, regardless of any risk to myself. I wouldn’t think about it. It would be a no-brainer. I would just do it, just as Nata saved me. Without thinking about the cost to herself. Love just does that.