Thank you for telling me

I’ve been struggling more with suicidality the last few days. Suicidality, self-harming urges, and feelings of worthlessness.

The internal sound track in my head says I can’t feel things. I am not worthless. These feelings cannot be acknowledged or articulated.

But it suddenly dawned on me that this is good information. I really felt that way. The sexual abuse from my dad has been more on my mind these days—something seems to have triggered it. Something to do with feeling alive again. Well, there are physical sensations from it that you might call pleasure. I remember those as well as needing to perform in an enthusiastic way, even if the physical pain was terrible. (And it often was. It often was both together.) However, emotionally, it was torture. It was such torture, I could only think to express it in a physical way—as death, or as a physical wound you can see. There were simply no words for how much it hurt inside.

It hurt more, perhaps, because there was no one else I could even try to express this to. I couldn’t express it to my dad, although he was hurting me, but I couldn’t express it to anyone else either. No one could be bothered to try to listen or to try to understand. It takes a certain kind of person to hear about this degree of pain and just listen to it, someone who has confidence in the willingness to be with someone as a force that can help, and won’t try to change or reframe reality to make it more comfortable for themselves, and it’s scary to hear. It’s scary to hear someone in so much pain

My emotions are worth something. My internal experience is worth something. It hurt. It hurt my heart terribly. It hurt me beyond any words I had then or have now.

He didn’t hurt me because I had low self-esteem and didn’t believe I was worth protecting. He was the person who was meant to teach me I was worth protecting. He hurt me because he was a psychopath and he had almost complete control over my life.

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8 thoughts on “Thank you for telling me

  1. ridicuryder November 16, 2015 / 3:29 am

    Ash,

    I know I’m reframing reality around you at times. It seems less like an exercise to make me comfortable, although that does happen. It seems more like a function of the constraint…getting out of it requires some twisting.

    I hope you get it. There are stretches where I feel like I am continually crossing the line with you alongside of demonstrating a few twisting moves for you. I don’t think MY twists are what works for you, they just sorta get you thinking about stuff differently…maybe I just frustrate you more 🙂

    Anyway, I’m here to twist / aggravate you as needed / uncalled for.

    Love,
    Mark

    • Ashana M November 16, 2015 / 5:58 am

      You aren’t really as weird a you think you are. You have a different way of expressing yourself, but usually what you say is in line with what many other people have said to me or that I have read. Different packaging. Same thoughts. I don’t think you realize this. I do tend to think that it is about making you more comfortable. It’s distressing, so you want solutions. It’s hard for you to be patient and see that it’s just a difficult process. It takes time and it’s difficult. And that’s how it is. You would like for me to be able to twist out of it. A decade ago, I would have liked that idea too. Now, I understand it’s just wishful thinking. I can do the hard work or not do it, but there won’t be any shortcuts.

      • ridicuryder November 16, 2015 / 7:19 am

        I’m not much for shortcuts…except where it is necessary to break into the clearing or surface from being underwater once in awhile. Same forest you’ll always trudge through, same ocean you’ll always drown in.

        But the sky! Wow that’s really something…knowing it’s there. I think you know it’s there, but still forget about it too quickly or stop pondering it for too long. So, I guess the shortcuts for me are remembering the sky by watching myself buried under the boughs or submerged below the waves.

        You are among the most intelligent people I have read…your attention to the process is delicious…but you also are too fixated on the process.

        I would be too.

        The stuff you struggle with was someone’s wishful thinking. You were meant to submit and be used up. Your patience and determination knows the sky.

        Remember to look up is all I’m saying.

      • Ashana M November 16, 2015 / 8:17 am

        I don’t think you realize that about 1000 people have told me to look at the sky. I’m going to do what works for me. If looking at the sky works for you, great. Keep doing it. I don’t know how to live your life, but you do. You don’t know how to live my life–you’ve never had to do it. There is a certain ludicrousness to this whole conversation.

      • ridicuryder November 16, 2015 / 8:51 am

        Ludicrous Ryder doesn’t roll off the tongue as well as RidicuRyder. We can parallel play in the sandbox, but your aggravation makes me wonder.

        I’ve learned quite a bit about the origins of disease from you. If you’re up for it I’ll pm a “trick” to bond to things differently.

        The sky is no accident, figuring into it more evenly for a misfit like me means diluting the tree canopy and making seawater heavier. If you’re ready for some of this weirdness I can send you a piece that you’ll hate, but it will be a guest post if you think there’s merit to it.

        I’m not just another tourist in your neck of the woods who’s gonna get the shits from your unusual – buggy diet. Like you, I am interested in the different rhythms of these encounters. They hold some promise to be a little more free, a little more unusual.

        Are you up for it?

      • Ashana M November 16, 2015 / 10:25 am

        I don’t see how there’s much to wonder about. I think I was rather direct.

      • ridicuryder November 16, 2015 / 9:24 pm

        Yeah, but that’s mainly your Authoritarian talking. I’m half confronting, half wondering how you’re shouldering your framework. A big, big, big part of me wants to help both you and me cope better, expand easier and mainly try something different.

        You said for me to live my life and you’ll live yours which is impossible to argue with, except a little while before that you were humming collectivism and rolling individuality into a corner.

        We’re in the middle of NanunyneNovember or something like that. I have almost zero interest in various writing exercises and challenges, but I’m into cracking off something that would take us both into different territory.

        On thinking about it, Im pretty sure:

        – you’ll hate it
        – I’ll look like an ass
        – your readers will get a kick out of it (if you decide to post it).
        – If I write it and send it to you and if it isn’t posted, you might tuck it away and come back to it later. I know shifting your bond is valuable from experience, so I don’t mind looking like an ass for pressing the idea…and the NeeHoonyNov thing.

        It may seem like I’m pressing or badgering you, but the corner you continually find yourself has very little to do with me. I really don’t mind if you say no…it would be a relief in some ways. I’ll still be your friend no matter what you decide.

        Love,
        Mark

      • Ashana M November 17, 2015 / 3:39 am

        How you perceive it is really up to you.

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