C posts as her Facebook status that she has no love and no friends and no one cares about her. She posts this during school hours: someone is bringing a phone to school and she has been using it quite regularly these days, but it isn’t C. Anyway, life goes on.
It strikes me as very interesting that we are having these parallel and opposite experiences. She says she is happy to be alone. Actually, she does have friends. She just broke up with her boyfriend, so that’s a piece of it, but I think it’s also a part of growing up for her. She has suddenly noticed a sense of disconnection she has from others: it is coming from a feeling of self-awareness. When you are little, you just cling when you feel alone. But she’s a teenager now, and maybe it suddenly clicked in that this is kind of how life is for her. She is alone in some important way, making her own decisions about things. In my mind, the way I understand it—she does not help me much to understand, so I am guessing here—there is not a lot of warmth at home. She is alone with her feelings, alone with trying to meet her own goals for herself without any understanding or help, trapped in her house as the real parent despite the presence of parents. I think she is old enough to see this.
And yet I am suddenly feeling connected in a new and different way that seems to affect everything I do—my sense of myself, my choices, my future. The thought occurs to me just as I am going to class that it’s dizzying. In the same way that it was dizzying to be so utterly alone when I left my friends at Yuri’s brothel for the last time, it is dizzying now to be connected to someone in a way that seems more important than other connections.
It makes me feel I don’t even really know who I am.