My dad

The morning is working out to be sort of awful. It didn’t start out that way. I woke up groggily, but on time, and went and cleaned the bathroom because yesterday I was too tired to do it and on Sunday my houseowner finally redid the drain so that it won’t leak into his storeroom. The bathroom was a mess. Anyway, this might also mean that mushrooms will stop growing on the ceiling, but we shall see. And it is clean now.

There seem to be so many layers of grief to deal with. I was thinking about my dad. That seems to be what I am thinking about.

I have decided to ask to stay here. It was simple, in the end. C’s family is going to another state, but she will go to boarding school here. She said, “If you stay here, you can help me.” I don’t know what I am doing for any of the other students, but I know I can help her. I know it helps just that I am here every day, believing in her in a way she can’t dismiss or ignore.

I think it underlines the lack in my life, that there is actually very little for me to go back to the States for. I have friends, of course. Some of them very good ones. But I realize I have a “family” feeling for C that I don’t have for anyone else and that I haven’t had since I was 13 years old. And that I stopped even hoping to have quite a long time ago, although for some years I did have that hope.

Part of what I keep having nightmares about is the fear that my dad was taking Ksymcia’s body to rape it. I don’t know that he would do that to a corpse. I don’t know that it was his thing. It might have been. But I think my dad was raping Ksymcia when she was alive. Or she had to service him, which is the same thing, but probably forms a different picture in one’s mind. It’s a different kind of rape, one that extends all the way to the soul.

It creates a degree of reality in my mind. Yes, my dad was really that evil. He raped little girls. Not just me, but other little girls. He was that evil. He is that evil.

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3 thoughts on “My dad

  1. Victoria September 8, 2015 / 12:11 pm

    I had similar family realizations about someone today and also the “how in the hell is it still this elusive” realizations about how my own father may very well be just a monster, though there is so much of me who yearns to believe in the grey area. The “no one is a monster and no one is a saint” area.

    Thoughts about my dad are changing my mind. I think it’s safe to say that most people’s fathers aren’t just monsters but I think based on my own memories and the things you post on your blog, some peoples fathers really ARE monsters.
    There was a post about Yuri listening to classical music. That sticks with me. My entire childhood was completely drenched in classical music. My dad is a very talented musician. He is quite intelligent. I think people forget that scary, horrible people can be like that.

    A couple weird things happened to me today. Internally mostly, but I wished I could talk to you about them. I think I’ll start my own blog soon.
    If you feel up to listening to some new music, I found an album that is wonderful for trauma work, but mostly for the sad/calm parts of it.
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=syVOWmLWFys

    • Ashana M September 8, 2015 / 6:31 pm

      If it’s okay, I can email you and then you can tell me that way if you want.

      • Victoria September 8, 2015 / 10:01 pm

        Yes that’s fine. I’m sorry about posting so much. I wish I could delete a lot of t.

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