Here and now

It seems to me in the evening that it’s possible for life to happen now. I mean, it keeps feeling unreal, as if it is just not possible for life to continue on past my childhood. It’s not even a matter of here I am in Country X doing things I might never have considered before, but that anything could have happened at all. There is a major disconnect in my head.

And just today it seemed a little like, “Okay, this can happen. This is possible.” It’s possible even for something to happen in my life or for me to make choices that aren’t reflective of grief, as though maybe I had come out from under the weight of it just a bit.

This isn’t, I shouldn’t say, one of those cognitive-driven thoughts. It’s an emotional thought. It seems possible. I am not telling myself it is possible and trying to demand some kind of compliance. Just I can kind of see how, as difficult as it is, it is possible to have something like a full life after my childhood.

I think it must mean the edge of the pain is off a bit. It’s still hard. Don’t get carried away. It still hurts. It still hurts so much I really can’t handle it and I switch. But it seems to me it has to hurt less, or this wouldn’t happen.

And then it started to seem like maybe I could have happy moments here in the present too.

It started to seem like I am located exactly right now, as a person living here in Country X in 2015 and struggling with the effects of trauma every single day. Not someone in the trauma not, and not someone in Country X without trauma, but someone here and now trying to cope.

I think that’s good.


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