I slept for almost 11 hours last night. I still feel tired. I haven’t slept well for most of the last three weeks. It was wonderful to sleep.

I woke up though and wanted to push things away. There was a sense of wishing I could just get on with the chores, not feel anything much. I’m still working through grief. It didn’t go away overnight, even if it seems to be a bit better.

I feel like hiding under blankets. That’s the picture I have in my head—just crawling under blankets and hiding. I suppose I felt that when I was little and Ksymcha died. I just wanted to hide from the world, from having to cope with anything. I wanted to retreat.

The grief for her feels so heavy, and I think a part of me just wishes I could get rid of that heaviness. A part of me really is five years old and believes you can think yourself into feeling okay—not that thoughts don’t affect things, but you can’t just wish grief away. A part of me wishes too that emotions could be like vomit. You can express them maybe and in that way get rid of them. It wishes catharsis were a thing. It isn’t a thing. It’s like white superiority. It’s a lie many people believed for a long time. Feelings have a life of their own. You need to be patient.

I know with the grief comes other things. If I can get the edge off the grief, I get the felt experience of safety, I get the memory of tenderness and warmth.



5 thoughts on “Patience

  1. Ellen August 22, 2015 / 7:45 am

    It does seem worth suffering through dark emotions for memories of tenderness and warmth.

    • Ashana M August 22, 2015 / 1:53 pm

      Maybe the hard part is not at first realizing there will be anything positive in it. I just know I feel terrible.

  2. ridicuryder August 27, 2015 / 4:47 pm


    You’ve been processing a ton of remembrances over this last year. I hope you do a year in review in the next few months 🙂

    Overall I have noticed you are engaging more outside (even though a lot of it associates to your inner landscape). There are times where I forget part of you is like a coma patient coming back to life after years of dormancy.

    You are on the money with patience…all that sticky stuff eventually rolls off you or gets sorted somehow. I don’t know if you have a power animal that you visualize shaking off some of your burdens. I have known a few people over the years who “give it to the Bear” or whomever. Visualizing the issue being handled differently seems to help.


    • Ashana M August 27, 2015 / 5:34 pm

      I think maybe I am engaging less, but the inner and outer are more connected, so there is more reason to think about the outer (and write about it). I have almost no energy or time for adult relationships. I might be spending more time with kids because, generally speaking, they cheer me up. But because the inner and outer are more connected–I am processing how I’m feeling while it’s happening–then I think it seems more authentic. It’s more authentic to me and maybe more authentic to other people. But it is scaled up in comparison to before midterm, when I really was overwhelmed.

      • ridicuryder August 27, 2015 / 5:57 pm

        Kids cheer me up too 😀

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