I haven’t slept well for three weeks now because I keep having nightmares. I don’t really know what I’m dreaming. I have guessed, and maybe my guesses are wrong. But I wake up shouting thing like, “No, don’t hurt her.” It happens mostly as I just fall asleep, and it happens again and again so that the next night I feel afraid to try to sleep.
I think I am dreaming about Ksymcia. I think it might be the memory of a single event or maybe two or three events, but it feels in some way limited, like I’m not remembering a whole category of experiences, but something fairly specific.
I don’t have details yet. I have broad strokes. That she is being physically hurt—bruises comes up in my mind—and maybe she is being raped with objects. She wants me to go away, but I believe I need to be there so she can imagine holding my hand better.
That is how she helps me. I imagine holding her hand, and that keeps me safe at least within my own mind. I thought I needed to be there so she could hold my hand and imagine being safe. I must have been less than five, and it is very little-child logic.