There is often this point in the midst of working through something when I start to think about what the thought means about now, or what it means I ought to do to make the situation better. Inevitably, I realize actually I don’t know what my particular thought means about the present or what problem might remain later when I know what it is. I am thinking through the past due to some reminder in the present and while the reminder in the present might be something I urgently need to deal with, but I am not going to know what I think whatever the urgency of it until I’m at a bit of a different place.

So I’m thinking about the intensity and the importance of our connection to each other, and how it creates for me an extreme form of loneliness now in the present. I don’t have that connection with anyone. I don’t even want it. There is no one I would feel like I wanted to be so closely connected to, and yet I miss that connection also. I feel utterly alone without it. And I suppose in important ways I am alone. I am doubly alone, without family, without my foster parents, without the adopted family of the Russian girls, without the family of Natashka and the baby.

No wonder I shy away from that kind of connection or trust. It was taken away from me so many times.

Anyway, I was wondering how I feel in the present exactly, what it means, what I ought to do about the loneliness and I realize I don’t know. I have no idea. I won’t know until it’s a little bit more sorted.

That’s Holland, maybe. A place where there are a lot of things you just don’t know.

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