So I think that’s important. That’s a major crux here, this idea of choices and of constricted choices. My friends—and Nata—gave me a life with more choices, but they couldn’t give me with all the choices I wanted to have. They couldn’t give me a life with Nata in it. They couldn’t give me a life free of abuse even. They could only give me a life away from Yuri and the possibility of escaping abuse. They couldn’t give me a life with both freedom from Yuri and their presence. Yuri constrained the choices for all of us to a tiny, tiny range of choices that were even marginally tenable.

And I think some of my despair in the morning was about that: Can my choices still be constrained to an unbearable degree? Can even the choice to engage with C be removed from me? It is not even about pain or pleasure, but just choices. Just having some degree of power to make choices that are meaningful to me. I wasn’t sure, perhaps if my choices were being pruned back even further.

I’m mulling that. I think it’s going to help.

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