I think Miłośćka died. I don’t really know why I think this. As I cope with the stabbing pain of grief for her, that is what seems to come on the other side of it. I don’t know if it’s a rational conclusion—whether there are things I don’t quite consciously remember which would make me think that—or if it’s just a shot in the dark. But it gives me a sense of closure. I still have a lot to work through about it, but it sets things a little bit right in my mind.

How could she love me the way it felt she loved me and then leave me behind in that hell? I would be glad now if she had done that, but my child’s heart can’t fathom it. It is like 2 + 2 = 5. I just can’t make it add up to that. But, she died? Yes, perfect sense.