I wanted to write about how I am experiencing and thinking about parts some more these days, but I can’t seem to organize it.
I’m also thinking that I used to have this idea that if I came around to the right insight or the right thought or if I had feeling of well-being, then that meant something definite in terms of my healing or future or whatever. Now, I know it is just me working through an experience I’m having right now. The thought won’t necessarily stay. The feeling won’t either. It’s just a nicer place in the process.
Anyway, something happened today. IT Ma’am is in Australia today. Earlier, I had told her to tell C she could use my computer to stay in touch. So then in the morning, I asked C if she wanted to send her a message. She wanted to come at lunch, but she forgot. I saw IT Ma’am online at lunch—she had just arrived—and I went looking for C. Anyway, she came and chatted for a while. IT Ma’am wanted C to have her own Facebook account, so I helped her to do that. And it was nice. It was nice to see C chatting with the teacher who means so much to her.
It was really magic for me.
It’s hard to explain this. The girls who mentored and loved me and took care of me all died or disappeared. But C’s friend and mentor didn’t have to disappear. I opened a door and she went through it and now she doesn’t need to feel left behind.
I felt I had so much power to help.
Then I saw her online in the evening. I chatted with her a bit. I knew in this emphatic, real way she was alive and safe. It is possible for girls to be safe. Not in just the semi-dream-world of my school life (that’s how it seems to some extent), but now.
And it felt so much more like I could BE. I felt again that I could be in the world.