One of the traumas that keeps running through my mind—not directly, but sort of vaguely, like I am keeping it on the periphery of my thoughts—has to do with the films. The girl-on-girl ones tended to have an element of deception involved. They were not frank sexuality in the way that straight films are. Very often, one girl was seducing another girl, and the seduction happened through some kind of deception. The younger girl came to the door selling girl scout cookies, and the older girl opened the door and invited her in, and then there was some kind of excuse to be physically close and that turned into sex. Not really spontaneously. It was always clear the older girl has kind of planned this. Not all of the films were like that, but a lot of them were.
So, one girl is generally tricked into sex by another girl and then the girl who is tricked enjoys it. She is not bothered that she has been deceived. She is delighted.
And, of course, real life is nothing like that. Someone invites you in for a lemonade on a hot day when you are trying to sell something stupid for school, and when it turns out they don’t want to give you a lemonade, they want something sexual out of you, it’s not pleasant. You are shocked and betrayed and you might meekly go along with things, but you feel dreadful. That hasn’t happened to me, but it seems like that’s what a normal girl would feel. When you are tricked into sex, it’s confusing and painful. It’s nothing like the films we had to make, not even the fantasy we were portraying had any basis in reality, never mind that we didn’t want to be making the films.
When I talk to C, this sort of plays out in my mind, am I trying to deceive her into something? It is horrible to consider, and I cannot really imagine anything worse. I mean, even if I am trying to deceive her into helping me work out my trauma memories, which is what happens, and it’s not that I am interested in her as a human being, that feels dreadful to me.
Yesterday, as we sat in the grass together, I began to realize she has absolutely not thought of this. It has not in the slightest crossed her mind I could be anything less than 100% authentic. If I want to talk to her, I want to talk to her. If I am sitting in the grass with her, I want to sit in the grass with her. If I take an interest in her studies, I am interested in her studies. I am worried about my motives, but she is not worried about them in the slightest. She absolutely trusts me not to deceive her. Because, I imagine, this is Country X, and Country X-ers do not expect deception. Suspicion is just not in the culture.