One of the traumas that keeps running through my mind—not directly, but sort of vaguely, like I am keeping it on the periphery of my thoughts—has to do with the films. The girl-on-girl ones tended to have an element of deception involved. They were not frank sexuality in the way that straight films are. Very often, one girl was seducing another girl, and the seduction happened through some kind of deception. The younger girl came to the door selling girl scout cookies, and the older girl opened the door and invited her in, and then there was some kind of excuse to be physically close and that turned into sex. Not really spontaneously. It was always clear the older girl has kind of planned this. Not all of the films were like that, but a lot of them were.

So, one girl is generally tricked into sex by another girl and then the girl who is tricked enjoys it. She is not bothered that she has been deceived. She is delighted.

And, of course, real life is nothing like that. Someone invites you in for a lemonade on a hot day when you are trying to sell something stupid for school, and when it turns out they don’t want to give you a lemonade, they want something sexual out of you, it’s not pleasant. You are shocked and betrayed and you might meekly go along with things, but you feel dreadful. That hasn’t happened to me, but it seems like that’s what a normal girl would feel. When you are tricked into sex, it’s confusing and painful. It’s nothing like the films we had to make, not even the fantasy we were portraying had any basis in reality, never mind that we didn’t want to be making the films.

When I talk to C, this sort of plays out in my mind, am I trying to deceive her into something? It is horrible to consider, and I cannot really imagine anything worse. I mean, even if I am trying to deceive her into helping me work out my trauma memories, which is what happens, and it’s not that I am interested in her as a human being, that feels dreadful to me.

Yesterday, as we sat in the grass together, I began to realize she has absolutely not thought of this. It has not in the slightest crossed her mind I could be anything less than 100% authentic. If I want to talk to her, I want to talk to her. If I am sitting in the grass with her, I want to sit in the grass with her. If I take an interest in her studies, I am interested in her studies. I am worried about my motives, but she is not worried about them in the slightest. She absolutely trusts me not to deceive her. Because, I imagine, this is Country X, and Country X-ers do not expect deception. Suspicion is just not in the culture.


One thought on “Deception

  1. ridicuryder June 29, 2015 / 4:41 am


    I’ve been reading you in a block for a stretch today, what you wrote a while back seems applicable here:

    Understanding people’s motives in everyday life is enormously important to me in feeling safe in the world. I need to know why C is showing off in front of me. I generally need to know—with quite a lot of precision—why people do what they do, because I need to see they are not psychopaths. I know what it feels like inside to be a psychopath. I have spent a lot of time with them. I need to know what it feels like inside to be someone who isn’t, so that I can understand when and who to trust.

    I trust you…even with your troubles and even if you become erratic, I trust you. You seem to be continuously questioning your motives with C and this seems quite prudent given the situation. The 100 things she represents in her open manner with you is potent. The lack of precision in your experience with C is valuable. Sure, this could all end badly…I accept that in certain ways you are over your head here.

    C is unaware of your details, but she instinctively knows something is up. You aren’t luring her inside for a glass of lemonade, but yes…there are several agendas layered at different levels. This energy between you two is what it is…somehow it is going to dissipate and while you may not find a precise resolution, C seems destined to move you along on your journey…whether she knows it or not.

    What you represent to C is anyone’s guess. My guess lays along what you have outlined so far, but like I have said, she senses something with you. We all have layers and when someone in your circle affects your deeper layers you have to respect and trust that. You are letting this play out with an open hand and it is vulnerable and strong at the same time. C senses your respect and trust for her…she is likely fearful of faltering somehow and losing your regard just like you have said.

    I think you are not going to let C falter, even if you are unsteady and show it at times, you will still manage to guide her to a place where she trusts herself more and is better for having known you. I think you are both lucky to have this time together and be impacting each other in wonderful ways.


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