C has all her pieces

There is a part who says we can call her Maryam, although she can’t remember her name.

Maryam wants to make sure C’s pieces are still together. Every time she sees C, she is relieved to observe that C has her pieces still all together and because of that she will not die.

Maryam is the child who experienced what felt like total genocide. I think it was only five or six girls that died—which is quite enough, but it’s different than 30. It’s just that these were all of her friends. Every last one of her friends died, and although she wants to make friends and be a part of the world again, she is afraid that everyone just dies.

C makes Maryam surface, and she is terribly afraid of this. She is afraid, on the one hand, just because of the terror of seeing a body all in pieces and C very strongly prompts the memory of that experience, but she is also afraid that the loss of everyone she might care about is inevitable and C will somehow die or disappear too.

I did have a friend after all of the Afghani girls died—I had Nata—but Maryam did not have much connection with Nata. Nata was not her friend.

The hard part of C having all her pieces together still and of her not dying every single day is that it highlights the wrongness of the girls who did die—they are about the same age. They look much the same: C has a striking resemblance to one of the Afghani girls. If C is not going to die, then it was not inevitable that all of Maryam’s friends died. They ought to have lived. And it is a very hard realization. The grief it unleashes is stunning.


3 thoughts on “C has all her pieces

  1. ridicuryder June 8, 2015 / 7:41 am


    I’m not sure what the outcome of your time with C will be. I suspect you will somehow be disappointed with either your behavior or hers. I am fairly certain whatever happens, no one will really notice…it will just seem huge to you with this hypersensitivity. Maryam has surfaced with C and so this in itself seems positive.

    People come into our lives and change us in ways we don’t even notice sometimes. C will be distinct (especially for Maryam). You can see her as a young girl that you might pay a little more attention to and at the same time, also be this pivotal person for some of these stages you’re at. Let it play out, I trust how smart and competent you are…even if things get a little strange. 🙂


    • Ashana M June 8, 2015 / 7:50 am

      I don’t know either, but it will probably be much like how things play out with any other student. I do think it is very important that Maryam comes out and notices that she keeps not being dead. You can care about people and they don’t just automatically die, because death is not merely inevitable. There are other students I care about–maybe about 200 of them–but Maryam is not out to notice that they go on not dying every single day.

  2. desilef June 8, 2015 / 9:43 pm

    Oh, the comfort of a world where people “go on not dying every single day.”!

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