Mishka

It’s been a whole week since I last posted. I don’t really know why I didn’t post. There didn’t seem to be time. When there was time, I couldn’t think of anything much to say.

Two “new” parts surfaced this week—new to me, anyway. I am getting used to the idea that I have been pretty much the last part of myself to know anything.

I spent the week getting to know them.

One of them seems to be almost exclusively organized around sleeping. He makes sure we don’t sleep unless it’s safe to sleep. It is safe to sleep when Nata tells us we can sleep. Otherwise, it is not safe and we will die.

So that’s made for an interesting week, full of what seem to be flashbacks of unbearable sleepiness and of present-day terror of sleeping.

He doesn’t trust anyone else. Only Nata. And he’s not very caught up with the present. He didn’t know she was dead. Now he knows she’s dead, and every second is full of terror for him, because she isn’t there to tell him what to do.

He didn’t know the reason she won’t let him sleep is that hypothermia makes you sleepy and losing consciousness increases the risk of death. He doesn’t know the trauma he’s remembering is the freezer. He just remembers the importance of obedience, only now there is no one to obey.

He’s a hard part to work with because he doesn’t think to comfort himself. His first instinct is always stoicism, and he doesn’t trust me either. He’s barely aware of my existence. Staying “warm” is hard.

Mishka means mouse. That’s Nata’s endearment.

Spati, Mishka.

Sleep, little mouse.

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3 thoughts on “Mishka

  1. Ellen May 31, 2015 / 8:43 am

    This does seem like a difficult part to engage with. The trauma he had to deal with was literally life and death – it’s so amazing that he was created to help you with that unbearable situation.

    Glad to hear from you again Ashana. Hope the sleeping gets better for you.

  2. Kelly May 31, 2015 / 9:36 am

    I hope that he can feel warm in time, and that he can sleep restfully. I have trouble sleeping, too. Sometimes I find new pajamas help. It makes me feel like it’s okay to sleep, because I have a garment I chose, especially for sleeping. It helps remind me to give myself the gift of sleep. I check my windows and doors first to show myself the autonomy I have to lock up, pull up the drawbridge so to speak, and then I settle in for bedtime. I also have a blanket that I bust out when I need more. It was my cat’s special blanket, and I feel like since he loved sleeping next to me on it, it cancels out some of the negative feelings. It reminds me of a positive relationship. I hope everyone can get a bit of rest. ♡

    • Ashana M May 31, 2015 / 9:54 am

      He has been asking for new trousers since Thursday. They are cuddly soft trousers that will make very nice pyjamas although it might be too hot for them now. The shop was closed because the shopkeeper had a ritual on Saturday on Sunday. But maybe we can buy them on Monday. It might help. He cuddles a rolled up blanket and that helps, but he doesn’t always remember it’s going to help. Then he won’t get in bed, or he won’t cuddle it once he gets in bed. Thanks.

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