Life seems impossibly difficult this morning. It’s one of those where it seems so difficult, it doesn’t feel worth trying. I have a lot of encouraging things to tell myself, and none of them are really getting through.
So let us begin at the beginning, or what could be a beginning. I mean, let’s just begin with one problem and go from there.
I have discovered a new part. I am not terribly surprised, as the part had surfaced before—years ago. He was one of the first parts I was aware of. I was aware of Katya first, and then this part, and after that Sammy. But he made two appearances and disappeared. I think I wasn’t ready to know about all of them. It was shocking to know about even one part, and so I think I didn’t really believe all of them were actually there. It seemed like I was making some of it up. It was easier to accept the older parts, who have a better grasp of language and can tell me about themselves, and it was easier to accept the parts who were less thoroughly dissociated from me, which the older parts are.
Anyway, I can’t quite remember how it happened. I was aware of a very angry part and I started to realize it wasn’t Ruthie. It was a very little part, but it wasn’t Ruthie, and so I picked up a pillow and held it to calm the part down, because he seemed about pillow-sized and he seemed to need to be held. And then he stayed out for a while and looked around the house.
But it makes it all seem very hopeless, like I’m going to get one part all grown up and functional and immediately after there’s just going to be another little part to look after, and it all seems completely endless. However much progress I make, it will never result in anything.
That is how it feels today.