So the other thing about bedtime is that at night we solicited and if I were there in the daytime, then there were shoots. And soliciting is dangerous. The shoots were painful and horrific but mostly not as dangerous. I mean, maybe they were, but they didn’t feel as dangerous. It didn’t feel quite as much like you could end up murdered, although that was a possibility sometimes.
And Nata was ten years old when all this happened, and I was close to turning six. I forget that. I remember how our lives were when we teenagers, but I forget that my ideas about the things and the triggers involved formed when I was six.
If my dad didn’t take me to Yuri’s, then Natalya was soliciting without me, and I knew it, and I had an idea of how dangerous it was and it meant waiting all night and all day and sometimes all the next night and the next day to see if she lived through the night instead of the 10 minutes or 20 minutes or at absolute most the hour it might take her to finish up with one john and wait again on the street with me.
That is why bedtime is so scary. I am tucked up safe in my own bed, but the trigger for being scared I’ll never see her again is so strong I can’t put it together with the idea that she’s already dead.