There are other memories.

When we were small, we also acted in pornography together. We acted separately and watched—which might sound strange, except that it feels better sometimes to know than to not know—and we also acted together.

It hurt Nata to have to touch me that way, and afterward she always said she was sorry. Actually, what she said is, “Forgive me.” Very often, she cried.

These are really vivid memories: her holding me afterward and asking again and again for forgiveness—I don’t really know if she’s asking me or if she is asking God—and crying and kissing me.

It was confusing for me, because of course no one else was ever sorry. They did it because they wanted to or because they were forced to, but no one ever pointed out that what they had done to me was wrong. I didn’t really have it clearly in my mind that using small children for sex was wrong. Sex was wrong and you are supposed to say no to it like you are supposed to say not to drugs, but no one ever quite made it clear to me that it was wrong for someone to do that to me. And yet she asked for forgiveness and cried.