It’s 10:30 am—tea time here—and I am a bit recovered from the morning. I’m pretty sure this has happened because Ruthie has gotten shoved back out and I’m just not aware of that state of being on “high” all the time. But it’s not so loud it’s breaking through to me either. We seem to have achieved a workable balance between integration and dissociation at least for the moment.

And I have done this without having had to take a nap. So that is the good news.

We’re getting to an end. Or an odd. Something like that. Regardless, it is not part of a clear thought with a point to it. I wanted to share it anyway.

What I do works. I don’t mean everything. I mean what Ash as a part does to calm down. It doesn’t work for every part of me—it’s not an efficient way to reach a little part in distress. However, it works for the adult me. It might even extend a little beyond that.

I didn’t know that before. I thought I was mostly trying to escape or just running through nervous energy. What I do is think. I string ideas together, usually in the form of words but not always, and perhaps reach a conclusion. Maybe I solve a problem or consider why something is the way it is. And it calms me down.

Last night was rough getting to sleep—Ruthie was scared. She is getting scared at night these days and won’t sleep. In know why, but I’m too tired at that point to address the problem or to soothe it very successfully and as I was trying to sleep, I began to consider something about school. I can’t remember what. I think it had to do with my class 4. I got to the end of the thought and Ruthie commented, “Oh, that works Mommy. I feel better now.”

So that’s one reason the blog writing has really helped me. It’s stringing thoughts along, trying to make them get somewhere, trying to get them to make sense, and I think it’s my violin playing or my skateboard. It’s my flow. It creates that pleasurable sense of relaxation that comes from doing something that interests us.

That’s good to know.


2 thoughts on “Flow

  1. Cat's Meow May 6, 2015 / 4:17 am

    I have found that when I start to get stuck in a flashback loop/ bad dissociative state, my mind starts to bring up images of colors, drawn eyes, whatever I have been focussing on in my artwork recently. I think that it does something similar for me, although part of the benefit is that it gives me something in the hear and now to try to latch on to. As far as I can tell, all of me either likes producing or at least looking at the results of the art sessions, so it seems to be particularly effective.

    • Ashana M May 6, 2015 / 5:11 am

      It’s really good you have that.

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