Dissociation and integration

I have an understanding of what dissociation is and how it works that differs somewhat from mainstream psychological ideas. I have mentioned this, but I thought I would explain in more detail.

The standard definition is that dissociation has to do with a separation from an awareness of reality. But what is reality? It’s so many things. There are a thousand bits of sensory input from the external world—some of them important, some of them not. There are sensations in the body, how your skin feels, your heart beating, the sensations in your core that are your enteric nervous system and are part of how you experience of emotions. Then there are your thoughts, the pictures playing out in your mind or the verbal chatter of your mind making sense of things or imagining the future or remembering the past or just commenting on life. That’s all reality. Inside and outside of you is reality. It’s a lot of stuff, and normally we focus our attention on some elements of this reality that seem to be important and away from elements that seem to be unimportant. We cannot possibly maintain our conscious attention on it all, because it is too much to pay attention to at once.

We control our attention. All of us have only so much stimulation we can process and respond to at one time, and we do what we need to do in order to keep it in a range of what is possible and comfortable for us. Dissociation is this control of our own attention.

During traumatic experiences and later, the degree of mental and sensory stimulation is too much, and we shut certain things out of our awareness in the same way we normally do, but to a greater extent. This gets the degree of input down to a manageable level, so that what we are taking in is at a level of intensity we can make sense of and respond to. The more intense the experience, the more constricted we need to make our awareness.

We might shut out stimuli that are very painful so that we aren’t saddled with trying to respond to the pain in addition to doing what the moment demands of us—carry on a conversation, think about maths or whatever—or we might shut out everything but the pain so that we can deal with the pain and not what amounts to trivia. Or we might shut out one kind of pain so that we can attend to a second kind of pain. The stimuli are still being recorded. The knowledge of those stimuli is going somewhere, but we aren’t giving it our conscious attention and it isn’t being processed in the same way as what we are giving our conscious attention to in that moment.

If this goes on very regularly, you end up with a very fractured experience of life. You have a fractured experience of yourself, your past, and the world around you. This fractured experience does not occur separately from your social experience and development. If you are a child, and your personality is developing, your sense of self is going to occur in the same fractured way. So awareness of certain kinds of experiences, certain thoughts or certain feelings, is going to be separated from other kinds of experiences, and they are going to feel like different senses of self.

This creates problems.

It creates flashbacks, for one. As we move through life, we are automatically comparing the present experience to other experiences in the past to see which experiences it might be like so that we can use that information about past experiences to help us be successful in the present in how we respond. At the same time, we are discarding experiences that might at first glance seem similar but aren’t.

But trauma is in bits. The process of mining the past for comparable experiences becomes very difficult, because the memories aren’t rich enough or integrated enough to yield discomfirming details.

I’ll use my bathroom floor as an example. So, as most of you know, my bathroom floor is a kind of pebbly concrete that has been painted red. When I go in the bathroom, I see the floor first. It’s quite bright and noticeable. The most intense memory I have of red, pebbly surfaces involved murder and blood. It’s the first experience that comes to mind for comparison.

When this memory wasn’t processed at all, there was no way for my mind to discard walking into the bathroom as being quite unlike witnessing a murder. The rest of the pieces of that memory of murder weren’t processed. They were either totally unsorted—recorded, but not organized in any way—or stored separately. So every time I walked into the bathroom, the closest bits of that memory arose and presented themselves for sorting and processing and making sense of. Which was, of course, too much. I dissociated them again. And the process continued. It went on for quite a long time this way, until finally the memory was processed and integrated and not stored in a fractured way and so I can automatically discard murder as a memory quite unrelated to walking into the bathroom.

Dissociation of that kind also means you keep experiencing the world in a fractured way. The whole world becomes my bathroom—a possibly related experience that prompts memories of intense, overwhelming trauma—and it continues to be necessary to keep your attention restricted in order to keep life to a manageable level of input. So, it’s self-preserving.

One of the things I have done that has been helpful is to use this deliberate control of my attention to help me process the trauma. I went in the bathroom, and I didn’t pay attention to everything. I continued only paying attention to as much of the stimuli as I could and not more than that. I changed what it was that I paid attention to, but I didn’t try to do more, because biologically I can’t. I focused only on the emotion from the traumatic memory and on my attempt to regulate that emotion. About 1/100 of my attention was on scrubbing the laundry—that is what happens in the bathroom that involves looking at the floor for the longest stretches of time. But everything else was on the emotion and on my attempt to regulate. I shut out the pictures of what happened and the sounds of what happened. I shut out most of my awareness of the laundry. I definitely didn’t let my mind trot on to to worrying about what to fix for breakfast or for how the day was going to go. I kept controlling my attention so that it was focused on the piece that was going to help me.

I felt the emotion in my body and I controlled my breathing. Mostly that is what I did to regulate my emotional state. It’s hard to do a lot else when you are in the bathroom and the floor is wet with laundry water. Sometimes I stood up, because that helps with the emotions too. (Being close to the ground is its own trigger.) But mostly I controlled my breathing, because that helps me stay calm. If I were in a different situation or had had more soothing skills, I might have done something else, but what I had was breath control, so I did that. I did that nearly every day for about six months.

Outside of the bathroom, I went on working with that memory. I shut out my awareness of where I am now, and I only thought of maybe one element of the sensory experience, one thought, one emotion, and I went on doing something to try to keep the emotional intensity down in an artificial way. I controlled my breath, or I wrapped myself up in blankets, or I cuddled a hot water bottle, because those things are calming. I kept using my attentional controls to help me process only the amount of the memory that could be successfully processed until I finally had an integrated, whole memory that my mind now understands is quite different than walking into the bathroom.

And I think that is how you recover from trauma. You do something to lower the intensity of the emotions of the trauma—you do a lot of self-soothing and self-regulating—and you focus your attention very carefully so that it is on what needs to be processed but not more than that. Your attention is on only two things: one piece of the trauma and on the self-soothing. Until the trauma memories get sorted. But I am convinced that this is where it is mostly at, from the standpoint of what one needs to do: self-soothing or self-regulating and attentional controls.

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10 thoughts on “Dissociation and integration

  1. desilef May 3, 2015 / 8:17 pm

    This makes so much sense. You have found a path to healing that your therapists didn’t see. I so much hope that many many people who need this are reading your blog.

    • Ashana M May 4, 2015 / 9:36 am

      Thanks. I’m glad it makes sense to someone.

  2. Kelly May 4, 2015 / 10:08 am

    I have seen a similar process in myself. The way you describe it helps 🙂 Dissociation isn’t negative, and I sometimes forget that.

  3. ridicuryder May 4, 2015 / 8:14 pm

    Ash,

    Excellent…really excellent summary for your process. I wonder if you would consider going back and adding a paragraph or two about how the on blog journaling (and off blog) is part of your recovery. I feel somewhat strange suggesting it since it seems so obvious. I would like to see what you have to say about your focus and attention being shaped somewhat by your journalling and retelling your experiences in clearer and then clearer ways.

    Love,
    Mark

    • Ashana M May 4, 2015 / 8:24 pm

      Oh, but I don’t think it’s really crucial. It helps me, but other things would help someone else equally well. The other two things, attentional control and self-regulating, I think everyone needs to be able to do. The blog is there with stroking teddy bears and squeezing shampoo bottles. Worked for me. Might not work for someone else.

      • William July 2, 2015 / 6:56 am

        Ashana,
        Thank you for your observations, honesty and sharing your process. I have used a process I learned from a CIM that has help me focus more on the inner thoughts and beliefs. I discovered a lot of my unconscious ego decisions that has limited and keep me in fear most my life until now.
        Disassociation is a primary ego defense that places causation outside of our minds. From this ego decision we can assign and place all our suffering and unhappiness onto our world or the people in our lives. The next defense the ego provides us is called projection. This is where we deny the guilt or responsible for our suffering, fear and see it within those around us.
        I have study and applied the course’s ideas for over 35 yrs. I have a much greater understanding of my own insanity and that has lead to me to a deep compassion and forgiveness of everyone in my life. I think with your keen powers to focus and
        observe yourself you would find the course in miracles extremely helpful.
        Thanks again for your willingness and courage to share your journey with us.
        William

      • Ashana M July 2, 2015 / 7:37 am

        I am familiar with the theory. There is absolutely no evidence whatsoever that it is true whatsoever, nor does it seem to help anyone ever get better. It does, however, seem to make the people who tout it feel more secure in the rightness of their own beliefs. It seems to be a major barrier to improving the efficacy of psychotherapeutic treatments.

  4. Anon December 5, 2017 / 7:50 am

    To remove the anxiety and depression and long term effects of trauma from the brain requires

    1/ A ten day course of “NAD+” ….which will do a brain restoration, like a reboot of a computer. It pretty much removes all addictive cravings too and rejuvenates the brain).
    2/ Full flush B3 Niacin at the same time, (see Andrew W. Saul)

    To remove the trauma there are three modalities.

    1/ EMDR
    2/ Havening (see the book ”15 minutes to Freedom’, it can take that little to remove it.)
    3/ EFT (Tapping)

    Once the brain is restored and the trauma removed and processed, you will feel a remarkable freedom.

    A loving kindness meditation (Meta), visualisation and affirmations afterwards will do wonders.

    All the above can be researched via youtube

    good luck

    • Ashana M December 5, 2017 / 7:56 am

      No, it doesn’t, but thank you.

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