It’s shaping up to be a terrible day.

I have a better idea of what is happening. The memories of ritual abuse are intense, and so what basically everyone wants to do is to keep them out. They are too terrible. They can’t be dealt with during the school day, certainly. They can barely be approached outside of it. And so the dissociative wall is going up, or getting thicker. However you want to say it.

But they are too powerful. The emotions inside the memories—those are what are coming through—are getting through anyway, just at half-volume, which is still pretty dreadful.

The dissociative wall is there to keep them at least at that level, but it’s keeping other things out too, so that Ruthie appears almost to have time travelled. She can’t remember most of the things that have started to help her feel safer and more secure over the last month. She can’t even remember that Nata is dead. She keeps asking to go see her. She cannot understand why we can’t go. She cannot accept that Nata is dead. If I try to explain this to her, it’s either like she’s gone deaf or she has a meltdown over Nata’s death all over again. Mostly, she just goes deaf.

The other problem is that the soothers can’t really reach her. It’s like everything is bundled in cotton, and the good things can’t get through. The bad stuff gets through because it’s so terrible, but the good stuff isn’t as loud and it’s effectively shut out.

So, in addition to everything else, I have a screaming kid in my head wanting to see Nata, not understanding that we can’t just walk down the street or hop on a bus and go for a visit, and really unable to be comforted by much of anything I can do during my work day.

And I really don’t know how I’m even going to survive the day.


6 thoughts on “Terrible

  1. desilef April 24, 2015 / 12:49 am

    Oh, Ashana. I hope by the time you read this comment that you are feeling much much better.

    • Ashana M April 24, 2015 / 5:17 am

      I am. It’s hanging over me still though.

  2. Ellen April 24, 2015 / 4:20 am

    I’m amazed at how strong you are, that you can work through this kind of horror. Wishing you well…

    • Ashana M April 24, 2015 / 5:16 am

      I don’t know that I’m dealing with it all that well, but thank you. And thanks for the kind thoughts.

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