I’m sick. I mean, really sick. I thought I was coming down with the flu yesterday, but it’s looking more like typhoid again—only a more acute form than what I had last year. Not deadly, but not that irritating this won’t blinking go away chronic kind. More the my fever gets so high at night, it feels like I don’t have any skin.

Anyway, it means I need to go to the hospital today, but yesterday when I was thinking about it, Ruthie had a bit of a panic.

“I no want go hospital. Yuri kill me I go hospital.”

I didn’t know that. I didn’t know there was a Yuri angle to doctors and hospitals. I don’t like them, but a lot of people don’t. So that will be today’s mountain to climb.

It’s so different dealing with life when I know about the parts as compared to when I didn’t. Before, I would have been terribly, terribly anxious and maybe looking for excuses not to go, and then forced myself and it would have been this monumental struggle to do it anyway. Now I’m thinking how to coax Ruthie through it, how to help her stay calm, what will comfort her when she’s scared. I’m imagining the conversation I will need to have with her in my head, that I’ll need to be reassuring and soothing and confident for her. It’s a completely different experience.