Easter turns out to be a trigger. I didn’t expect that. I was ritually abused at home, but it wasn’t very calendar-oriented. Or doesn’t seem to be. Maybe I will realize later it wasThere are a lot of triggers for it, but they aren’t holidays for the most part. They aren’t dates.
Instead, Easter triggers all kinds of Nata associations. Many of them are pleasant and it’s just loss. It’s just I don’t get to do this with Nata anymore. It’s not complicated. Just stronger than other reminders of loss, and also somewhat new. If I felt this last year, I didn’t know what it was about. It would have been just a mysteriously wonky day.
It’s linked to her death though, because there’s something very Christ-like about it. It’s evocative in that way. And Easter conjures up blood. There’s always the blood of Christ involved somehow. The blood of the Lamb.
So Nata died for me—not exactly intentionally, but it comes down to that. I was covered in her blood. But what comes after that doesn’t seem to be anything positive at all. She died and it felt to me that evil had triumphed over good. There’s the smaller despair over what her death meant to me personally, but also this larger despair that evil wins sometimes.
Anyway, the day turned out to be a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. The whole year after someone dies—and, for me, the year after I completely took in the fact of her death—is like this. The year has a cycle, and the year after a death is the first cycle without them.
Because of that, it feels like one shock after another, as you realize what was most important in the course of that cycle with them. I guess it is just going to be hard.