It’s an especially auspicious day. I am not exactly clear on the reason—there’s some kind of notice about it, but I can’t quite put it all together.

Anyway, the school day ends early, and we are required to be at prayer service with the students. So we do that. My friends want to walk around the holy site, so we do that too. And then we go shopping, because the big events always attract vendors who offer better prices and a bigger variety of options. If you want anything in the next one year, this is the month to buy it in.

While we’re we shopping, it begins to turn cold. Not freezing cold, but a kind of damp, windy chill that reminds me of the seaside in the evenings or at the wrong time of year.

The city where I was trafficked was like that. I was like that nearly all of the year, so that is what I am reminded of. I am reminded of being outside in a dampy, chilly wind, waiting for johns maybe or waiting for our ride back to the hotel. I don’t know. But I am reminded of Natalya, of her blowing on my hands and rubbing them. I am reminded of being held close because I am so cold.


4 thoughts on “Evening

  1. ridicuryder March 5, 2015 / 8:02 pm


    You’re in a new semester at school. Is it possible to take on some extra tutoring or something to fill a little more of your time? I understand the repeatative nature of your process and I see you currently revolving back into the worst part of your grief.

    I wonder if there is some way to displace things for a while…or maybe you hold tighter to certain aspects of everything when you get busier?

    Food for thought…the rope and them beam will still be around next month and the month after that. Put some energy into something that makes you think of them less…not more. Sorry to be blunt.


    • Ashana M March 5, 2015 / 8:16 pm

      It’s the new school year.

      I could. I don’t know what the point of that would be. I would be less functional during the day and make less progress toward resolving the trauma.

      I don’t do this because I like it. I do it because it works.

      • ridicuryder March 7, 2015 / 1:57 am

        Yeah…I get the circling back to work through stuff again. I’m sorry if I sounded stiff, the depth of what you keep returning to seems bottomless. As crazy as this sounds, I’m sorta suggesting you “dissociate” from stuff for a while (in a shallow way). You know what you’re doing – I just see the merits of a break here and there.

      • Ashana M March 7, 2015 / 4:42 am

        I think what’s hard to understand is there is no break. I can experience it in two ways: dissociated or not dissociated. One keeps me stuck, the other brings healing. It’s better just to deal with it and move forward. It’s not bottomless.

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