I looked over my last post just now.
I left something out. The last paragraph that ought to be there is not there. I forgot to write it. Or maybe I forgot to think it.
Natalya didn’t do it to hurt me. She didn’t risk her life only to cause me pain. Unlike everything else in my life that hurt, she didn’t die to hurt me on purpose. She didn’t even do it without caring about the pain her death would cause me—I doubt it occurred to her that I would see her die. But she knew if she died, it would hurt. That would have been a part of the consideration. And she wasn’t unconcerned with that.
She just thought it was best for me.