God’s will

I am not much in the mood to write these days. It is not just that now life has, in a sense, started up again and I am no longer spending the whole day with nothing but thoughts bouncing around in my head. I just don’t feel like it as much.

I also feel a resurgent need for privacy, even though my blog is not really very public. About seven of you read faithfully. The rest of the world is apparently just trying to figure out how to hang themselves in their closets.

Begin post.

I am optimistic this morning. Something wonderful seems to have happened.

Most of me has decided that what I remember happened. It was real. I might have bits wrong here and there, but the broad strokes are real. How I felt was real. And this points a way forward. This puts solid ground under my feet that was never there before. I have always just been bumbling around, hoping something would work.

It means, suddenly, I know what the problem is. I know how to fix things. When I am triggered, I know why. I know what makes me feel better again.

At the same time, I am anxious as all hell, because of course it’s terribly frightening to feel optimistic. On the one hand, it suggests disappointment. It suggests I might, once again, be wrong about what I ought to do.

More importantly, I think God will punish me for it. Because, you know, I am an ex-two-by-two, and thinking I know is nothing other than pride. I ought to just be trying to decipher God’s will for me, and after years of hearing people talk about doing that I am still unclear how it’s done. I mean I really have no idea.

I don’t know if anyone else did either.


9 thoughts on “God’s will

  1. Cat's Meow February 12, 2015 / 11:22 am

    I suspect that anyone who is convinced that they are sure of what God’s will is, is going to be wrong.

  2. Herself February 12, 2015 / 11:25 am

    Curious thing about God’s Will in the Truth. It really seemed to have a hidden boolean AND with Workers’ Will. I might try that thought again when I’m awake …

  3. desilef February 12, 2015 / 10:26 pm

    Years ago I heard an AIDS activist cite the difference between optimism and hope. Optimism is believing that everything’s for the best and will work out fine. Hope is the capacity to keep going and moving forward regardless. He said he learned that from Vaclav Havel. Years later, I heard the same distinction from Havel and he said he learned it from B.B. King. Whoever gets the credit, it has helped me avoid the kind of baseless optimism that does lead to disappointment and stay on course with hope.
    As for God’s will? Maybe it’s just about harmony. I’m an atheist, but one day Rev. James Lawson, Jr told me I did have faith. I said no, I had hope. He said you don’t just hope the sun will rise in the morning. You expect it to. You have faith in the world. (at least for the foreseeable future!) So I guess I do — not faith in all my fellow human beings, but in something larger in the universe. If God existed, seems to me it would be pretty egocentric to think Her/His will is concerned with the details of my small existence.

    • Ashana M February 13, 2015 / 6:07 am

      That’s very touching somehow.
      I did feel optimistic that morning. Sometimes it does just seem like everything will be fine. Maybe it will be. Who knows?

  4. ridicuryder February 13, 2015 / 5:20 am


    I was wondering what the rest so the world was up to!

    Sometime ago you posted a before & after photo and underneath remarked “What you don’t see is the fear”

    The line between respect for your elders or inclusion in some system and being fearful in a system can be blurry at times. The more fear you feel, the farther away you are from “Divine Will” is a good rule of thumb. I also see the duality in (mortals) being provided free will. If we were to stick to a strict script would that freedom thing have happened?

    So you are breathing a little differently “outside the frame” and at the same time feeling the earth under your feet. 🙂

    The idea that everything (God) must be framed / have a set “will” has a few merits. But, the simple idea that you (as part of everything) will find your way is more reliable since…here you are.

    You have an interesting bearing on things, keep letting go of your fear.


    • Ashana M February 13, 2015 / 6:11 am

      You have no idea what a minefield “God’s will” is as a 2×2. I think it gives a lot of former members nightmares still.

      I’ve never posted a photo of myself on my blog where you can see my face. You must be thinking of someone else.

  5. ridicuryder February 13, 2015 / 6:22 am

    The minefield isn’t that hard to imagine…I’m aware you may still require Deprogramming in your 90’s.

  6. ridicuryder February 15, 2015 / 11:00 pm


    I’ve been weighing your circumstances in several ways lately. I understand that Deprogramming from a cult (or any indoctrinated pin point) is an effort. The main thing I would like to convey is to imagine the universe as a stadium and the 2X2 world fits on the head of a pin stuck anywhere you imagine it to be stuck. It can be stuck into the armrest of a seat in the nosebleed section , it can be somewhere on the field, it can be protruding from a hot dog in the concession stand.

    A lot of Pin-heads work very hard to keep everyone on the head of their pin. The problem is that there is a whole universe out there and it is HUGE…Pin-heads imagine they are in a Lunch-box, but actually the stadium is really only the doorstep to everything.

    Trying to fit it all onto a pin is retarded.

    It’s really fun seeing you out in the world…exploring. 🙂


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.