Failure

I feel like a failure.

I think this while I am struggling to make dinner. I don’t know why it seems so difficult. I am crying as I am doing it, but this isn’t usually such an insurmountable problem. I finally settle on heating dal and rice from lunch and forgetting about a vegetable.

So I suppose my struggle with dinner sets off the thought of failure. But it doesn’t matter. That’s not the real point.

The real point is I feel like a failure because Nata died. I couldn’t save her. It was my job to try to protect her, to help her, to do everything I could to keep her alive and well and safe. And I failed. Utterly.

She was so unsafe, so unprotected, so not-well that she died of it. Her murder was just really completely beyond me. And it was terrible. It was terrible to be unable to help.

Sometimes I get these little flashes of things—and it’s usually like this, it’s usually while I am doing something else, my mind is wandering and it finds something all of a sudden—and a piece falls into place.

Because when they happen, when I get them, it’s as though I can finally feel heard. I can exist. My experience can be put into words and be communicated and understood, and in that way I am sure it is real. It is neither imaginary nor inconsequential.

It is my experience and it matters. As a result, I feel that comfort is possible, I can be folded back into humanity, I do not always need to grieve or suffer alone.

I can say what is wrong. I can explain it. And that helps.

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One thought on “Failure

  1. ridicuryder February 9, 2015 / 9:06 pm

    Ash,

    You protected Natalya’s dream for you to be free…she is happy like a cat with fish bits in its whiskers. 🙂

    Mark

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