Yesterday, when Lana spends most of the day out, she says she is trying to do “other people’s things.” She is trying to call up one of the other parts to take over, so that she has not have to be there and feel her own pain.

I don’t really know how to help her yet, so I let her do this. I let her just do “other people’s things.”

But it explains a lot. It explains a sense of doing things that I am kind of guessing I enjoy, but I don’t know because I have no particular feeling about them.

In remembering the past, as myself and not as a part, I have a sense of listening to music I feel no enjoyment in listening to, having hobbies I feel no enjoyment in doing, and talking to people I don’t know if I like.

I had chalked it up to general numbness, but, no, that’s not quite it. It’s Lana’s influence, and she’s throwing things out there just to see what sticks. She has a vague idea of what might stick, but it’s not very precise and it turns out about half the time she was wrong. No one liked those things.

So it’s interesting to go back through things I’ve done before and see what it is I really did like. The answers sometimes surprise me, and I’m not really in a position to test everything out just yet, but I could at least throw out old music again and see what was really happening.

I don’t like Madonna. I don’t like The Smiths. I don’t like Duran Duran. I don’t like Michael Jackson. Billy Idol is barely tolerable. If you are around the same age as I am, you might be filled with a lovely kind of nostalgia about these bands even if they weren’t your first choice. I don’t know. It seems to be how people my age feel. They remind me instead of being annoyed. Madonna has a nasal, irritating voice, as does Morrissey. Duran Duran seems insincere. Michael Jackson can’t work out that if you emphasize very expression, it just gets repetitive and nothing stands out anymore.

They worked for a lot of people, but they didn’t work for me.

Some of them I might have thrown out to see what stuck. Some of them I never did, but I still didn’t have any sense of my opinion about them. So I walked down memory lane and that is what I found out.

And it’s interesting to have an immediate sense as I listen not of what I like now—that’s up for grabs, really—but what I liked then and was too dissociated to know.

Because Annoushka loves music, but she has sex with Natashka. She acts in porn. She is mostly deeply tucked away. My musical tastes are tucked away too.

But it seems to me, as I wander down memory lane (burning up data as I go), that there is a slice of my childhood—and of me—that is real and that I have found it.

I’m wondering what else I’ll find.

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