Veroushka

Another wobbly day.

Mealtimes are battles. (Go! Go heat food! Go cook! Go eat!) The instructions to eat need to be loud or they aren’t heard. I do eat, but hours after I feel hungry. It takes that long to win.

Otherwise, it’s fine.

I don’t seem to do very much. The sink was clogged in the morning, and I deal with that. I cook. I wash the dishes. I scrub the laundry. I am pondering the idea of polishing shoes.

I take a nap and farmers wake me up to sell vegetables.

I think of today as a holiday, when I don’t need to do very much.

I let Veroushka try all the makeup on again. It is a little more successful the second time around.

I am reminded this morning not of the photo shoots, but of Natalya’s love. It is what she did and it is like having a remnant of her on me.

I don’t exactly remember her hands on me as I do this—I could, but what I mean is there isn’t that sense of a ghost touching me—but there is a general memory of tenderness.

I realize I need a remnant. Veroushka realizes she needs a remnant. She thought Charlie was stupid, smelling Natashka’s shampoo and thinking about sex all the time, but she understands the logic of it now.

She understands the loss is like an addiction. The craving to still be with the girl she loves is like wanting heroin again, and she can’t give it up overnight. She needs methadone of some.

She needs a remnant. It is a different remnant she needs, but she still needs one.

No part of me can live without her.

Living without her can’t be the goal. It is not realistic. Unrealistic goals are not motivating, and nothing will happen if I try for that.

The goal has to be to go on living in any way I can. The goal has to be to figure out how to live with pain.

In the night, I have to pee. It is midnight—I couldn’t stay up to see the New Year in. I was too sleepy. But it’s cold in the evenings, and I drink hot water to stay warm. So then I wake up in the small hours of the morning these days.

So I get up. I pee. I go back to bed.

But I wake up Katya. I wake up Katya-wobbly, stumbling little-girl-like into the toilet, and then back to bed again. In bed, the pain is like knives in my stomach. I am so angry. Why is Nata dead?

Why did someone kill her?

They aren’t answerable questions. They are just about life being unfair.

It is unfair.

I have to live with that. I have to live with waking in the night and crying or waking in the night and wanting to break things. Or both.

And I can’t just wait it out. I can’t just say it will get better in time. Time heals. Etc. Time does not heal. It did not heal. Natashka died 28 years ago. That isn’t to say it won’t get better, but just that getting better needs help. Getting better is my responsibility. I have to heal. Time isn’t going to do it for me.

I don’t have a plan about this, except that it goes back to that idea of taking the edge off. I have been going about this wrong. Or some part of me has. I have tried to take too much pain. Or I have shoved the pain away entirely, because I thought I could not feel pain. I have remained in limbo because of that, unable to grieve. Assaulted or numb. There will be no such thing as comfortable pain for me, but I need something to take the edge off. I have had open-heart surgery, and no one will prescribe oxytocin, but I at least need an aspirin.

It is okay if it always hurts. It is okay if it is always feeling stabbed with knives, but I need to keep getting through the night.

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4 thoughts on “Veroushka

  1. ridicuryder January 1, 2015 / 9:00 pm

    Ash,

    It IS a New Year…so keep that in your thoughts regularly, it will give a slight edge at looking at things with a new perspective. Attempting to directly diminish pain is futile in my experience. You have to bond with it differently…at present (and maybe for a while yet) you bond over and over again to Natalya’s circumstances and her death in a concrete way so that you can process it. The fixed processing and legitimate grieving are nessecary, but you will sense when you’ve had enough so that it will always remain accessable…given your DID this may be something you hold tightly for longer than some people.

    My bizarro take on stuff like this is to take the grieving and pain offline occasionally…it’s your mind – you can take its plasticity out for a spin whenever it suits you. If you aren’t ready to even contemplate adjusting your perspectives to all the stuff you are processing (some of your new rememberances are still so fresh that it is important to assimilate them accurately) I can talk to you later about some “tricks” that let me get past certain stuff.

    Whenever you are ready…I know you can do this. 🙂

    Love,
    Mark

    • Ashana M January 1, 2015 / 9:31 pm

      Mark, I have a bout 5 weeks before the new school year starts and I have to start doing things like staying in a single persona all day. So, it’s full tilt. The grieving can go offline when the timer runs down.

      I don’t really seem to have DID. No diagnosis, but there’s a degree of co-consciousness and generally being able to maintain the appearance of a single personality that brings it down a notch to something else. I don’t know if that matters or not, but it probably does mean things are clipping along nicely for me in a way that wouldn’t be possible with more dissocation than mine.

      There are things that do dial down the pain a half notch or so, which is sometimes enough, but different parts seem to respond to different things. I don’t know if Veroushka has found hers or not. She was mad as fuck today, and consequently I have a sparkling clean loo. So all is not lost.

      Share the tricks, and I’ll store them up for later as the need arises. You never know.

      🙂

      • ridicuryder January 2, 2015 / 11:27 am

        Keep doing your stuff, I know this break is a big push with your integration work. I guess I’ve used DID incorrectly…is there a name you like to use for a kind of placeholder to describe your basket? I’ll usually tell people I’m delightfully unrestrained by reason (horribly unrestrained happens, but not often at all). I am with Desilef below on the relative freshness of certain rememberances. Being with the pain as it is and Natalya as you both were has to settle with you before you can move past it.

        I know tricks that have worked for me, but they may do very little for you. Like I have said before, I can contribute in small ways. The bigger ways of contributing are to stay out of your way…maybe reflect a little back, but mostly recognize you are doing 99.9999999% of the work. I get a lot out of reading about your journey out of the maze and the comments you get from people offering encouragement. It seems like really big things are about to happen (boulders were shifting a while back).

        There is a newness to this new year (chronological hoopla isn’t my thing – honest) unlike I’ve seen before and decent whack of it seems to be from watching you. “The Universe awaits breathlessly the realization of man” is one of my favorite lines and of course I have no idea who said it. The corny thing is I’m fine saying this comes to mind when thinking of you because it fits. 🙂

  2. desilef January 1, 2015 / 10:13 pm

    Although Natalya was murdered 28 years ago, it seems you are experiencing her death as if it’s just happened. You tried to keep from feeling it all for so long. The loss and pain of course are overwhelming. The grief of losing someone never goes away but it eases. You haven’t yet had time for it to lift at all.

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