Orphanage child

I am thinking about routine this morning. I am at a friend’s house—one of the volunteer teachers. She is going back to her home country in a few weeks from now and this is my last chance to see her.

Because of this, I have no routine. First, I spent two days getting to the capitol by bus. Then I spent three days in the capitol. Now, I am here in her town.

It is one less tool in the box of how I can cope.

I use routine a lot to help me and it does help me. It makes things more predictable and less frightening and it also means I do those things that help automatically, without needing to remember to do them, because they are habit. And so they get done and I feel better.

But sometimes I remind myself of a Romanian orphanage child, because it is place and schedule and physical order that helps me cope more than the living human beings around me.

And this morning I wonder if I will ever trust anyone, and if people will ever help me feel safe instead of more frightened.


5 thoughts on “Orphanage child

  1. Cat's Meow December 28, 2014 / 9:32 am

    I really wish that you had someone there who could help you learn that some people can indeed be sources of safety and comfort. Given your family, you would had no chance to do the normal developmental attachment work that a child does. And then you were persistently traumatized at high levels for years. It is no wonder that you do not find safety in other people.

    I so very much hope for you that one day you will be able to experience healing in this area.

    • Ashana M December 29, 2014 / 10:01 am

      I attached to Natalya. I think i need to leverage that. Thanks 🙂

  2. ridicuryder December 28, 2014 / 11:45 am


    How good is Charlie? How exquisite were (are) you that Natalya was (is) that delicate and wonderous with you?

    Settling into yourself more as you (and your beautiful littles) are will mean you trust yourself (selves) in a broader way and this expansion will seep out to other people in your enviroment. The pace must feel glacial at times, but it’s pretty clear where your headed.


    • Ashana M December 29, 2014 / 10:03 am

      Maybe it is hard for me to understand that goodness exists at all.

      I hope you’re right.

      • ridicuryder December 29, 2014 / 10:56 am

        The evil horrendous shit may never completely wash off you…it is possible to bond to it differently though. Many of these scars have left you so contracted it likely is completely foreign for you to move in certain (open) ways. When considering how far you have come, it follows that you can achieve limitless range of motion. The limitless stuff freaks everyone out…no matter their prior experience and conditioning…most people like limits and predictability.

        I’m not saying you’re going to get some great unpredictable, wildly adventurous energy happening (although Country X sorta counts). I just kinda sense you looking out at the vastness and wondering about staying put sometimes. There are parts of you pushing yourself forward – open to wonder and parts holding back in familiar dark places. These elements at play inside of you fascinate me…especially when I hear some say it is hard to understand that goodness exists while at the same time other parts are completely busting out of almost everything bad that has happened to you.

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