Latest Entries
Autobiographical writing / Child abuse / Dissociation / Psychology / Sex trafficking / Trauma

What I didn’t get to say

I don’t really know what would help with this. I’m thinking about this, and something inside says blanket. So I hug the blanket for a while. I play Russian lullabies. I find a Russian Christmas carol and that helps too. I doesn’t really help enough. I am not okay, but I think less about ways … Continue reading



I have one thing wrong though. Ruthie is there because I am not allowed to have the needs my parents weren’t meeting. I’m not allowed to be thirsty or to need to go to the toilet. I’m not allowed to have attachment needs or to communicate feelings. I am not allowed to have the need … Continue reading


Out of a box

This has led to a paradigm shift: the thoughts I expressed in the last two posts (“Apparently normal” and “Unstuck) have completely rearranged my head for me. The parts have been a work-around, so that I could go on not knowing about the effects of the abuse on myself while having some degree of internal … Continue reading



My job as Ash has been to present “apparently normal.” I have been responsible for supporting the family lie that I was not harmed, which has meant to a large extent that I could not know what the abuse even was. When I did know, I could not be allowed to know the full details … Continue reading


The trustworthy adult

My experience with Lena the last few days makes me see the importance of having a trustworthy adult. I was reading an article about the narcissistic family this week too, and that seemed to connect up with that idea. In the narcissistic family, there is not an appropriate hierarchy. The parents do not take care … Continue reading