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Autobiographical writing / Child abuse / Dissociation / Psychology / Sex trafficking / Trauma

What I didn’t get to say

I don’t really know what would help with this. I’m thinking about this, and something inside says blanket. So I hug the blanket for a while. I play Russian lullabies. I find a Russian Christmas carol and that helps too. I doesn’t really help enough. I am not okay, but I think less about ways … Continue reading

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Magic

Something wonderful happened today. Anna was out, a bit unexpectedly. She wanted her baby. I hadn’t realized she was involved in her pregnancy. I hadn’t realized she was the one heartbroken over it. “Charlie did everything else,” she said. “But I gave birth.” To the fetus, she means. She doesn’t mean it lived. “A miscarriage … Continue reading

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Burials

The fetus was buried under the peach tree. Remembering this, I remember other burials more clearly, and I realize I don’t have those quite right either. The cross, the one Nata gave me as a little girl, is buried with the fetus. I can see a logic in this. Nata wore her grandmother’s cross. Nata … Continue reading

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Nata’s baby

I’ve been wondering why the pregnancy I lost feels like Nata’s baby. What is the “ours” about? And I wonder if there are little parts who don’t understand about human reproduction and don’t know that two girls can’t make a baby. Well, maybe, I don’t know. But it seems to me more that we were … Continue reading

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Framework

My other assumption about Nata’s role in my development of a spiritual sensibility was that I treated it the way I initially did the 2x2s, that I just believed it—as though it were a light switch, because I did function in that way so much. When I was with Nata that light came on, and … Continue reading

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Protection

The antidote to the horror is always in the past for me too. As I work through trauma, it seems as though it involves working through two different strands of the past. There is the horror and then there is something more positive, and they’ve both been lost behind an amnesiac, dissociative wall and I … Continue reading