Dysfunctional families of all kinds are rule-oriented families. They rely on rules instead of principles. Cults are the same way.
If you look up the 2x2s–the cult I was raised in–you’ll see a reference to all kinds of rules, although the rules varied from place to place, region to region. But there were most definitely rules. Rules replaced compassion and common sense. Rules were there to help you settle things without needing to feel or think.
It can be helpful to devise new rules for oneself as a part of the healing process. These are mine.
1) Don’t hurt people (or animals). Especially not on purpose or when you can help it.
2) Try your best.
3) Know when to let go.
4) Know when to quit.
5) Feel.
6) Stay in touch.
7) Speak up. But use “the three gates.” (Is it necessary? Is it kind? Is it true?)
8) Take care.
You’ll notice some contradictions. That’s because there’s a time and place for everything.
What are your rules?
I’m convinced that words have the power to change the brain, having a profound effect on behavior over time. Get it right and you can boost your humanity. Get it wrong and you might become a sociopath.
Posted by Jack Pemment | March 8, 2013, 8:13 pmIt must be terribly difficult to retain enough awareness to get out of a cult environment, relationships too sometimes. That’s a great idea to have some of your own rules.
I’ve found in the workplace that sadly a lot of people seem to get on by operating in a certain way. Sometimes it’s tempting to think ‘how can I be more like them?’ ‘how can I get myself in a position to be given the golden treatment?’
Now I remind myself – ‘there is much more to life than living through your work’; ‘people who have (unexpectedly) succeeded in the workplace have often put all their time and energy into their job – perhaps at the detriment of their home life or being able to explore other personal abilities or talents’ – so my rules for work might be
1 ‘even at work you cannot be someone else – you have to be yourself or you will not be happy’ ;
2 ‘be as kind and empathetic toward other people as you can’ (even when ruthlessness and bullying look to be rewarded.);
3 ‘accept that you will occasionally piss other people off and try to avoid letting that happen too often’;
4 ‘always be as generous as you can with your time and sharing what you know’;
5 ‘actively listen as best you can and learn from those around you’;
6 ‘be aware of real problems that are affecting you and/or those who work with you and do something about them’ (= speak up);
7 ‘have a rich and interesting life outside work.’
8 ‘if you are lucky enough for work to be something you would do without being paid – enjoy every moment’
9 ‘if your work is paid at a fair rate so that you can live with reasonable dignity and independence, then advocate when you can for those who do not share this privilege’
Posted by Chas Spain | March 8, 2013, 8:57 pmI like your rules a lot. Thanks for sharing your rules.
I think if you’re in an environment where bullying is rewarded, it’s better to be somewhere else.
Posted by Ashana M | March 9, 2013, 6:23 am